Miss Priss

Watcha Doin'?

2008-04-25T10:27:00.002-06:00

Randee came home from school yesterday with this little saying...

Whatcha Doin'?
Eatin' Chocolate.
Where'd ya get it?
The dog dropped it.
Where's the dog?
Behind the door.
What's he doing?
Making more.

Um yeah.

One Year Anniversary

2008-03-12T22:09:00.001-06:00

This is what I wrote in Kelsey's journal on March 12th, 2007.
Boy what a day it's been. Things started off pretty normal. You went to "school" and I went to work. You started to complain that your head was hurting shortly after I dropped you off. After nap time you were still complaining so the teacher called me to let me know. Right away I called Nana and she walked to pick you up. When she got there Miss Valene told her about your day. You didn't feel like playing at all. When you were out on the playground you only stood on the side holding Miss Ginger's hand. When you were inside you were laying in the cozy cubby.
Nana decided to take you home. When you got home Nana gave you some Motrin and you spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch, watching "kids tv". While I was at work I decided to take you to the emergency room as soon as I got home. At this point I decided you needed to be checked. The worst they could do is send us home, right?
When I got home I walked in, grabbed you and we loaded into the van. Nana stayed home with Randee and Aaron. When we got to the hospital the waiting room was pretty full and I thought we were going to have to wait a long time. Surprisingly they called you back quickly. The ER doctor thought you were having migraines. He was ready to send you home but decided to run a CT scan since you already had one scheduled.
You did SO GOOD during your scan. You pretended to be a statue. You were perfect and were done in a matter of minutes. When you finished your scan the tech gave you three sets of playing cards. They were Go Fish, Crazy Eights and a matching game. You kept talking about how Randee and Aaron were gonna be so jealous that you got something and they didn't. You also couldn't wait to open them and play. We sat in your exam room watching a My Little Pony movie, waiting for the doctor to come in and release you.
A short while later the doctor came in. You weren't released. The doctor had some unsuspected news. Your scan came back abnormal. You had some major fluid on your brain. The ventricles that hold cerebral spinal fluid were extremely backed up and swollen. When looking further into the scan they found the cause. There is a mass in your brain. The doctor isn't sure what it is but it's the size of a robin's egg and it's preventing the fluid from draining.
You were admitted immediately. You need to have surgery to relieve the pressure. The nurses came in to start and IV. They had a very difficult time getting a line started. The vein in your hand blew so they put it in your arm. You weren't very happy about it. When they were done poking you, you got more toys. This time you got a Barbie and Little Mermaid stamp kit. Then it was time to take you up to your room. You didn't want a wheelchair so the childlife specialist picked you up and carried you.
You are in the Pediatric Oncology unit. Not because of the tumor but because it's the only room they had available. Your room is purple. You didn't really care about the room though. You just keep saying you want to go home. I'd be the same way after the poking from the emergency room.
Before you fell asleep the nurses had to take our your IV line and repoke you. This time they put it in your right hand. You were not happy. Three nurses had to hold you down. You are a strong kid. After this poke you got a black kitten beanie baby. You said you want to give it to Aaron.
After getting your IV and toy you had a visitor. A little girl from down the hall. She's been here a week and is getting ready to go home. She heard you crying and wanted to make you feel better. She talked to you for a little while then gave you a Bratz doll. After her visit it was time for bed. We turned on some relaxing music and you went to sleep.

If I could have just one wish

2008-02-29T21:18:00.003-07:00

Let me think. I would wish that Randee could have it. That he could have my wish and it would actually come true. I feel like he's been left out so much since Kelsey was first diagnosed. We do all we can to include him in everything but it's just not the same. It's not HIS it's Kelsey's and he's along for the ride. I wish there were an organization out there that specialized in the siblings of the sick kid. Kelsey had her wish trip and it was awesome. But honestly, Randee isn't into princesses. He's not into ridding all the kiddie rides because his little sister is too small or too scared to ride the "fun" rides. I wish there were some way to ask Randee, if you could have one wish/any wish, what would it be? And I wish there were some way to make that wish come true.

To work or not to work... that is the question

2008-02-15T20:11:00.002-07:00

I'm really struggling lately. I honestly thought I was ready to go back to work when I did. I figured Kelsey is doing good and I need to get away from the world of brain tumors. I needed adult interaction. We didn't really need the money but the extra is nice. Looking back at my initial reasons for going back to work I realize I was being selfish. Jason has a tough job. He's home one day and gone the next. Sometimes he's gone for a couple of weeks at a time. That makes it tough on me when it comes to doctor appointments. In December, Jason was in Alaska for three weeks. In that time we thought Kelsey was having seizures. She spent most of the week in and out of the hospital. This completely drained my PTO bank at work and I ended up having to take some leave without pay. I don't mind the lack of pay, that's not an issue. We do have a policy at work though that states you can't take leave without pay. If you do you will get written up and if it happens again you will be dismissed. My boss was extremely understanding and fought for an exception to this rule for me. The exception was granted. Last month Jason was in Texas and I had to take four hours off from work to take Kelsey to her monthly doctor appointment. I was to be back to work immediately after this appointment. Unfortunately, life had something else in store for me. That morning Randee woke up having a severe asthma attack. I called his pediatrician and they told me to take him to the emergency room since I was going to be at the hospital anyway. Randee was struggeling to walk from the house to the car because he couldn't breath. We spent 5 hours in the emergency room before we were discharged. From there we headed to Kelsey's appointment which I had to call and postpone until after Randee was taken care of. By the time Kelsey's appointment was done Randee was having trouble breathing again. So back to the emergency we head. Needless to say I didn't make it into work that day. I didn't have more than 4 hours of leave so I had to take the remaining without pay again. This time there was no exception granted for me. Last week I finally got the paperwork on my write up. As of today I have ten hours of leave saved up, for emergencies obviously. This afternoon I got really sick and couldn't work. I had to take four of those hours off and come home early. That leaves me six hours of leave. I have four hours scheduled to take off soon because I'm taking Jason to the airport (he's deploying again). My grandmother is on her deathbed. The doctor's give her just a couple more weeks to live. I can't got see her before she dies. I don't have the time to take off work. So I'm sitting home, 1400 miles away, waiting for the phone to ring and give me an update. Did I make the right decision going back to work? There are so many things I can't take care of now. What do I do? How do I handle working and being there for my family? My friend is trying to talk me into giving up my job. I feel bad even considering it. They are counting on me. They've invested so much into me. They were willing to take me back once I felt I was ready. How could I do that to them? But how much longer will I be working there at this rate? How much longer will I go without having some sort of crisis and end up having to take leave without pay again?

Reality bites

2008-01-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today was a long day. I sat at work and I was pretty distracted all day. I realized something while I had so much going through my mind. Know what I realized? BRAIN TUMORS SUCK! They suck big hairy balls. I keep thinking about poor Jeremy. About how is life was cut so short. How one day his mom is taking care of him and the next he's gone. She will no longer be able to hug and kiss him when ever she wants. Her other children will no longer have their brother to play with and take care of. There is a huge part of their family now missing. Then I realized something else. We are in line to suffer the same fate. Why?

Because there is NO CURE for brain tumors. This is a horrible beast. We can prolong our children's lives, but at what cost? The tumor comes back, the kids sometimes end up blind, deaf, paralyzed, they have difficulty learning, they need lots and lots of extra help to do daily activities that you and I take for granted. We have been extremely lucky where Kelsey is concerned. She only has hemiplasia. That's where one side of her body is weaker than the other. She also still has the shakiness that initially led to her diagnosis. What does that mean for her? She'll never be a dancer, she won't be able to take gymnastics. She also won't be doing anything active as it tires her out quickly and she can't last.

Brain tumors are a different type of cancer. They do have grades to tell you how malignant they are. Grade 1 is basically benign and grade 4 is the most malignant. But don't let the word benign fool you. It's still a foreign body in the brain. There is only so much room in your head. Once you run out of room what happens? Kelsey has a high grade tumor. What does that mean? Her tumor is a grade 3. That means it's a fast growning, aggressive tumor? Prognosis? Honestly? I have no clue. I've researched it online but find different answers. The doctors here don't want to talk about prognosis because 1) they really don't know and 2) they don't want us to focus on the negative. What I do know is we're are in line to follow what many other brain tumor children have gone through. Most children won't get to grow up. They won't see a prom. They won't get married. They won't have 600 children (Kelsey) like they've always dreamed.

I know I should be focusing on the possibility of her getting better and being cured. But I'm thinking realisticly right now. I am cherishing every day that I have with my children. Even more so with Kelsey. I'm pretty sure I'll get to see my boys grow up, unless some freak even happens. Kelsey I don't know what's going to happen. We're always wondering how she is tolerating the chemo. We are always wondering if the tumor is responding to it. What happens when we get the MRI that says the chemo is no longer working? What happens when we hear that the tumor has reoccured and this time it's grown into a grade 4? Everytime Kelsey takes her chemo she runs the risk of making her current tumor immune to it. What does that mean? The chemo she is currently on is what they use to treat all high grade tumors. That means grade 4 tumors are treated the same way. So when her tumor stops responding to this treatment what does that leave us?

Reality sucks. I hate to think that one day I may no longer have my daughter. That is a thought that goes through my head every single day. But today, it was worse. I did make me want to come home and snuggle with my babies. I don't want to leave their sides. I don't want to miss a moment with them.

Hug your babies. Cherish each and every moment with them. Children are being diagnosed with brain tumors all the time. It's a horrible reality and until we find a cure and stop this BEAST we have to learn to deal. We shouldn't have to deal. Our children should be able to just be children. They shouldn't have to worry about going to the hospital and getting poked again. They shouldn't have to worry what their blood counts currently are. They shouldn't have to worry if they can hang around certain kids because they're at a higher risk for getting sick. They shouldn't have to stay home from church for fear of becoming deathly ill. Isn't that funny? You won't want to expose them to illness because they can become dealthy ill. But wait! Aren't they already deathly ill? They're fighting a terminal disease!

So that's my thought process right now. I can't help it. I'm sorry it's such a downer. But that's how I'm feeling right now.

Today is a sad day

2008-01-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

I came home from work this morning, anxious to check my email. I keep waiting for updates on Jeremy (a little boy we met towards the end of Kelsey's radiation treatment). He hasn't been doing too well lately but I guess I didn't realize just how bad off he really has been. Well when I checked my email I got the sad/horrible news. Jeremy earned his angel wings this afternoon. I know I should be happy for him because he is no longer in pain but my heart is aching. He was just 7 yrs old.

Then I checked on another family that I hold close to my heart. King Juju. He passed away recently too. His mom is trying to be strong but honestly how strong can you be when you lose a child? He was only 4 yrs old. His mom put a special tribute up on his site for those who can't be there tonight or tomorrow for services.

Honestly it's been a rough month. I'm starting to not like January.

Why I've been MIA

2007-09-28T21:40:00.000-06:00

The main reason I've been offline is because we were out of town. It's been almost a week now that we got home. We were in Orlando, FL for K's Make A Wish trip. It was a wonderful experience and I totally plan on updating about that shortly. It's going to be a LONG post so I'll be breaking it up by days.

My main reason for posting tonight, aside from that I really needed to, is to update on my mom. As most of you know we moved her out here to be with us last November. She had lost her job and was losing her apartment when we decided to move her here. She had absolutely no income. She couldn't buy any sort of groceries so she was at the mercy of my brother and my grandpa to feed her. Half the time she didn't have gas money so she couldn't go to their houses anyway. She was also battling a really bad bout of depression. All of this added up and made me really worry about her. Being so far from her I felt helpless. So J, being the wonderful husband that he is offered to move her up here to live with us. It was only until she got on her feet. So she arrived here November 4th.

To date she still hasn't found a job. She did have a short work experience at the BX and at the base Burger King. But she hated both jobs so badly that she quit within a couple weeks of starting. She again has no money. Her car was repossessed in January. She is pretty much stuck in the house as long unless she goes somewhere with J or me. She has helped me quite a bit with the kids. Especially when K was first diagnosed with her brain tumor. She would take care of the boys while I took K for her early morning radiation treatments. She would also stay with K at the hospital so that J and I could get some rest and spend some time with the boys. But now that K is pretty stable, and I'm thinking about going back to work, my mom is miserable. She has such a pity party going on right now. She is depressed about not having a job but she's not doing much to better herself. She lives in our basement and refuses to come upstairs unless it's to eat. She swears my dog makes her sick but she was fine the entire time J was deployed. She's spending a lot of time worry about my grandmother since she had a stroke a few months ago. I've tried, many times, to plant the seed for her to go back to New Mexico. I know she hates it here. She doesn't like J and most of the time my kids annoy her. I hate seeing her depressed and honestly she is bringing down the rest of us. If we're having a good time, and she comes upstairs, you can feel it. The mood in the house changes. We feel bad for having fun when she is so miserable.

Yesterday afternoon I had a talk with J. We were talking about what we are going to do when mom's visitor pass expires in November. I don't want to put J into a hard place by having him renew her pass when he doesn't really want to. But at the same time I feel horrible kicking her out of the house when she has no where else to go. Then I think, maybe if we kick her out it'll force her to actually do something for herself instead of feeling sorry all the time.

This morning I emailed her. I am not a confrontational person and I was afraid she would take my words the wrong way. So I took the chicken way out. It worked. I acknowledged how unhappy she is here. And how I know she is really worried about my grandparents. So I told her, if she wants to, we will pay to send her back to New Mexico. I told her she could help out my grandparents and maybe that would give her life some meaning. Maybe then she could start to get over this depression she's stuck in. I told her to think about it and let me know. This evening, before dinner, she said yes. She wants to go back. So now we're in the process of finding the best way to get her there. I wouldn't mind flying her out, but then we have he furniture and boxes to ship out. I really don't want to pay a moving company a couple thousand dollars to ship less than one room full of stuff. It looks like my only real option will be to rent a truck and drive out there with her and then I'll fly back. I'm getting tired just thinking about it.

Oh did I mention I'm going to start working soon? Yeah that means that this long trip need to be done over the weekend. I'm so excited! (Can you hear the sarcasm?) Honestly I'm happy she's going back. I need to be able to take care of my family and raise my children without her chiming in.

Guess I'm in Trouble Now

2007-09-13T16:55:00.000-06:00

First off I want to say I'm sorry for not updating sooner. With J getting home from deployment and the kids starting school I'm finding it difficult to get into a new routine that allows me my 15 hours of computer time. I know, I know excuses. But I promise as soon as I get my routine down I'll be able to update more often.

So I have a bit of an issue. It makes me feel OLD. I'm so not ready for this. Okay here's the deal. R is 10 yrs old, right? He's in fifth grade. He's been in school for a whopping seven days, well actually six because he missed today. So what's my problem you ask? He has FOUR girls hanging around my house from the time school gets out until it's time for them to go home around 730. That's four hours of girls at my house. FOUR HOURS!! He does have boy friends but none of them stay here that long. The boys are in and out of the house and they don't center completely around R. These girls are all about R. If R wants to go somewhere they follow him out. When he comes home they are following him back inside. Then today, since he missed school, they all walked here to make sure he wasn't dying. How am I supposed to handle this? Isn't he too young to be so involved with girls? Ugh, I never thought I would be stressing so much.

The experiement failed

2007-09-03T18:38:00.001-06:00

Okay not completely. Saturday was a really good day. We spent the ENTIRE day with no electricity. I got so much accomplished. I washed dishes, cleaned the bathrooms, clean the kids' rooms, I was on a roll. Then I ran out of stuff to do so I laid on the couch and read a book. While all this was going on the kids were actually playing TOGETHER. They were in and outside of the house, mostly outside. But it was so nice, they didn't fight once. I honestly felt like I was dreaming. They went to the park and made some new friends and then disappeared. It got dark and my heart dropped. My kids were no where to be found. They had not checked in for a LONG time. I loaded into the car and started driving through all the nearby neighborhoods looking for them. It was really hard to see. I told my mom to call me on my cell if they showed up. Ten minutes after I started my search R showed up at home. My mom called to let me know. The problem was K and A weren't there. R left them behind because they couldn't "peg". He dropped them off in a neighborhood that they weren't familiar with, IN THE DARK! Did I mention that K is 5 yrs old and A is 4? Yeah I was a bit freaked. I drove home to grab R and have him show me where he left his little brother and sister. On my way I saw K and A walking home with a little girl they had met earlier in the day. I can't describe the elation I felt when I saw them. Anyway, they got home and went straight to bed. No supper that night and I didn't even need to light any candles. Anyway once they were asleep, I was still wired from adrenaline, I was sitting in the dark. I couldn't read because I was scared I would knock a candle over and cause a fire. Sitting in the living room, in the dark seemed dumb. And it was WAY TOO EARLY for me to go to bed. So I turned on the TV and watched something. What's sad is now is I can't even remember what I watched.

Sunday, the kids were grounded so they couldn't leave the house. They weren't near as nice to each other as they had been Saturday. I spent most of Sunday morning breaking up fights. It was horrible. So I broke down. I turned on the TV and popped in a movie. It was pure bliss. The kids sat quietly the entire 2.5 hours. In that time I was able to do all of the laundry (since I wasn't able to do it the day before). The kids seem to be more appreciative of what they have now. It's not as extreme as I had expected but it did help. I'm hoping that we can try it again and hopefully make it the full two days next time. Then we can move to three days, then four, etc.

The Experiment

2007-08-29T18:47:00.000-06:00

Kids these days have way too much stuff. My kids are no exception. They have Nintendo DS, Game boy Advance SP, Game boy Micro, Game boy Advance, PSP, PS2 (two of them), Xbox, three computers, three mp3 players and I think that's it. The funny thing is they are ALWAYS complaining that they are bored. There's nothing to do. I tell them go play your video games, go read a book, go see if your friends want to play. Nope, they are still bored.

My mom made a comment that really struck me this evening, while we were making dinner. The kids are bored because they have too much. They are overindulged. They don't know how to entertain themselves. So I'm gonna try something. This weekend, Monday not included, we're going to live completely unplugged. Friday night, before bed, I will go through the house and unplug every electrical thing, with the exception of the fridge. I will tape down all the light switches and we will use only candles at night. Good thing it doesn't get dark until the kids' bedtime. We won't even be using the stove, we will be using the BBQ grill. These kids will have to either read a book, play games or, God forbid, play with their toys. GASP! Let's see how bored they are come Monday when they can use everything again.

Bruised Ego

2007-08-27T18:17:00.001-06:00

Many people know that I've been dealing with acid reflux for a while now. Earlier this month I went in for an upper endoscopy. Today was my follow up appointment to that procedure.

My appointment was pretty short. The doctor confirmed that I have some mild irritation from esophogitis. He also said I have a lazy stomach and that it doesn't empty as quickly as it should. He then proceeds to tell me this is because I'm so overweight. Now I know I'm overweight, it's not by much but I still am. He tells me I have to eat 5-6 small meals a day. Now when I say small I mean TINY, microscopic portions. Okay maybe not microscopic but pretty close. My means have to be HALF the size of my fist. I'm starving just thinking about it. How am I gonna last eating so little? I'm used to eating whatever I want when ever I want. Now I not only have to eat ONLY healthy foods but hardly anything. UGH!!!

So tomorrow I'm starting a new leaf. I have to start working out three times a week. I used to do this but got lax. And I'm eating healthy and hardly anything at all. Wish me luck.

p.s. Anyone have any ideas on how to keep my mind off the fact that I'm STARVING?

The most disrespectful kid

2007-08-25T13:39:00.000-06:00

You know when you're out shopping and you hear that little kid who is yelling at his mom and calling her a bitch? Or the kid who acts like he runs the house? You know how you feel sorry for that mom but at the same time you're thinking " geeze lady learn how to control your kid"?

I have more and more empathy for those parents every day. Have you ever wondered how those families get to that point? Right now I'm wondering that very thing, hence my writing about it.

R was a very good little boy when he was younger. He was an easy baby, a fun loving toddler who very rarely threw tantrums. Honestly I never knew what the terrible 2's were until I had K. But somewhere after three and now R changed. Yeah I know kids grow up. But for R it's like some sort of switch was flipped; Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Only Dr. Jekyll was back when R was young and sweet and innocent. It seems these days Mr. Hyde is living in my house 24/7.

R has developed this hatred for me. I can see it in his eyes when ever he looks at me. I've even found drawings in his room that show a gun shooting "mommy" and saying "kill mommy", "I hate you". These drawings were stashed where no one would ever be able to find them. The only reason I found them was because one day I decided to clean out his room and had to go through all of his drawers to get rid of all his accumulated trash. I'd like to think this hatred is only towards me but that's not realistic. I see him acting out towards K and A all the time too. He jumps on them and pounds on them like a wild animal going in for the kill. Then when I intervene he goes ballistic on me.

How did my sweet baby turn into this, this monster? I know many people are gonna say he has issues and needs counseling. He is in counseling. But counseling will only work if you are honest about everything. R, after one meeting, decided he doesn't like his counselor and refuses to open up to him. Right now I'm continuing to take him there. They are doing some neuropsych testing at the moment. Not even trying to delve into his "issues" yet. I don't know what else to do.

He doesn't care where we are when he lashes out at me. How do I instill some RESPECT in this boy?

I will never understand medicine

2007-08-24T23:06:00.000-06:00

Today was K's oncology appointment. It's her first appointment after taking the extra high dose of chemo. The doctor had blood drawn to check her counts. I'm not complaining but I totally don't understand how her counts can be so much higher than they were 10 days ago, at her last appointment. At the last appointment she had been of treatment for over a month. It makes absolutely no sense to me. I guess this is one thing I'm gonna just have to let go and realize there is no answer. I know that's not how I work. I NEED answers. I NEED control. Not know makes me feel like I have no control. Ah...

Family Pet

2007-08-23T18:21:00.001-06:00

What do you do when your family pet turns on your kids?

I have a beautiful 3 yr old Bichon Frise. I also have three children. R is 9, K is 5 and A is 4. Two years ago, when R was starting his BMX racing, Drix (the dog) decided he didn't like R. I bought R some new leathers for his racing and Drix went nuts. Everytime R wore his leathers Drix would growl and snarl at R. Several times he tried to bite R but was never able to. Over these past two years Drix has randomly snapped at R. Hubby always insisted that R did something to provoke Drix. I'd never seen him do anything, but I couldn't say for sure that he hadn't. So I just advised R to be overly cautious around Drix.

Two weeks ago A was sitting on the living room floor eating a snack. Drix was happily laying in his crate. Suddenly he walked out of his crate, walked over to A and bit his leg. I know for a fact that A hadn't done anything to Drix. A was more scared than anything, but still Drix bit my baby.

Fastforward to today. We went to go pick up some lunch so I put Drix in his crate. He's always crated when we leave the house. When we got home K opened Drix's crate to let him out. She struggled for a minute to get the crate door open. I walked over towards her to help her out but she got the door open before I was able to help. As soon as she opened the crate door Drix lunged at her and bit her hand. He ended up breaking the skin on her finger.

I emailed hubby and told him that was the last draw. I saw him bite her for absolutely NO REASON, just like he had done to A. So now I'm trying to decide what I need to do with the dog. I really don't want to put him down unless that's my only option. I'm hoping to place him in a home with no children but I don't know how possible it's going to be. I'm scared to take him to a shelter for fear that he'll end up with another family that has kids.

Dear person who lives down the road

2007-08-22T21:34:00.000-06:00

Please keep your big black dog locked up. It may be a family dog to you, but when it gets out it gets scared. And I don't appreciate having to keep my kids locked up in the house because there is this huge, scared dog that somehow jumped the fence and is now in my back yard. My kids have been taught to stay away from animals but even they don't listen all the time. I don't need to be scared to let my kids out into MY back yard because of YOUR dog. Oh and while I'm at this little letter, I'm not too fond of having your big dog barking and growling at me and my neighbor while we're in my house.

That's not cool. You'd better hope the cops don't find your dog before you. You bet I called them. When your dog poses a threat to me or anyone in my family I don't hesitate to call. You're just lucky your dog decided to jump the fence again. Hopefully he didn't attack any other kids that were out playing today.

I've been in this world far too long

2007-08-21T12:03:00.000-06:00

I realized this morning that I've been in this brain tumor world too long. Last night I was dreaming that I was in the radiation department at the hospital. I was waiting for K's radiation nurse to come out and get us. I could see her across the room but there were SO MANY people that I couldn't get through the crowd to get to her. I kept hollering her name and she would turn around and motion for me to follow her back. But I could never get there. Then I had this overwhelming feeling that I was in the wrong department. That we really needed to be in the radiology department. That K needed to have an MRI.

This was one of those never ending dreams. I woke up several times throughout the night and yet when I'd go back to sleep I'd start up where I last was. I think it's time to get back out into the real world where it's not all about brain tumors. What do you think?

Trying to decide

2007-08-20T12:30:00.000-06:00

Last night I shaved K's head completely. Well actually I buzzed it. I wanted to make it slick but realized that I couldn't take a razor to her shunt site because of how bumpy it is. I'm afraid I would cut her. So she is buzzed and it looks SO CUTE! I'll post a pic as soon as I upload it from my camera.

Anyway, now that she's bald I'm trying to find something for her to wear on her head. The weather is changing here and I don't want her getting too cold. She has a ton of hats but she doesn't like to wear them because they don't fit well. I am thinking about getting her a special scarf but can't decide if I should pay the $22.00 and risk her not wanting to wear it. What do you think? She is almost 6 and VERY girlie. I guess I'm leery because she hasn't found anything that she wants to keep on yet.

The things kids say

2007-08-19T14:21:00.000-06:00

Man kids sure know how to hit ya right where it hurts. I know they don't mean it but sometimes it just the thing to throw you over the edge. K hasn't been herself today. She's been real laid back and just lounging around on the couch all day. This morning she slept until near 1030, totally not like her. After lunch we were sitting on the couch watching Naruto. K was sitting next to me. She leaned on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around me. Then she looked at me and said "will you always remember me?" I looked at her a bit stunned. I have no idea where this came from. It sounded kind of like something someone would say when they know the end is near. I don't want to think about that but that's what I was reminded of. So I wrapped my arms around her and assured her there is no way I could ever forget her. I love her too much to ever forget her. We laid on the couch together for a little over an hour just cuddling. Something seems off about her today. I'm hoping it's just the chemo.

She's back, everything is right in the world

2007-08-18T19:59:00.000-06:00

K got back from her friend's house early this afternoon. She had a blast. She was talking a mile a minute telling me all about her day/night. Once she was all done telling me everything she gave a HUGE sigh and said "it was a good day". That was the sweetest thing ever to come out of her mouth. She was so precious at that very moment. I haven't been able to stop hugging her since she came home. I knew I was gonna miss her but I can't believe just how bad it really was.

So K finishes her chemo tomorrow night. I can't wait to be done with it. I feel horrible giving it to her. I know it's "good" for her but I feel bad having to poison her little body. I can't wait till this is all behind us. She has been handling things pretty well. She hasn't gotten sick yet. I'm waiting for that to hit. Right now, you'd never know she is sick.

Missing my baby

2007-08-17T23:41:00.000-06:00

K was invited to her first ever slumber party. It is for the release of High School Musical 2. I didn't think she or her friends would really be interested in the movie considering they are 5 & 6 years old. But she wanted to go anyway. I think it was more because she was having a sleep over at her friend's house. I thought about it a lot and finally decided to let her go. I can't keep her sheltered forever, right? I talked to the friend's mom and told her that K is on her chemo right now. I also told her that if she didn't feel comfortable administering the chemo I totally understood. The big issue is that K has to have her chemo before bed. If she has it any other time of day she spends the rest of the day feeling really sick. And that's definitely not going to be fun at a slumber party now is it. This mom said she was perfectly fine administering the chemo considering it's just giving her five pills ( one for nausea & vomiting and four chemo pills). I made sure to go over every little detail with the mom and even gave her the rubber gloves she needed to be able to touch the pills.

K was SO EXCITED to be going to this sleep over. She'd been counting down the hours since she woke up this morning. She packed up all of her stuff last night before going to bed. It was really cute watching her. When the friend's mom showed up to pick her up K jumped into the car so fast she almost forgot to tell me bye. She definitely didn't take the time to give me a hug and kiss. I know she's okay and I totally trust this family but I still worry. This is my baby girl. The one I want to treasure every precious minute with. And here she is gone, away from home, for one night. This will be the first night I sleep without her since she came home from the hospital in May. My bed feels so empty. My house is so quite. My schedule is completely thrown off. I didn't have to administer any medication tonight. I didn't have to put a puke bucket next to the bed when she went down.

I miss her so much. Tomorrow morning can't come soon enough.

I NEED CONTROL

2007-08-16T23:15:00.000-06:00

R has a sinus infection. For the last couple of days he's been complaining of a headache. I've given him Motrin and it's been fine afterwards. Then today I ran out of Motrin. He started really complaining about his head hurting so I gave him some children's Tylenol that I had on hand. Well it didn't help. The pain got so bad that he was laying on the floor grabbing onto his head screaming and crying in pain. I called the pediatric clinic and they advised me to take him to urgent care. So we hopped into the car and sped off. Half way there Randee suddenly became very quiet and kinda passed out. When he opened his eyes back up he said he was really tired. I called the clinic back and asked them, with the new circumstances, if I should still go to urgent care or if I should head to the ER. I was thinking ER but they told me to just go to urgent care. When we got there R walked in but was really wobbly. They took us back right away. The doctor suspected sinus infection but wanted to confer with her partner to rule out any other possibilities. She came back and sent R for x-ray to rule out sinus infection. When we got back from x-ray she said there was a little bit of fluid in his right sinus that we need to treat. But she also said she didn't think it was enough to cause the severe pain and other symptoms he was experiencing. So right now we're treating the sinus infection and I have to keep an eye on him. If he ends up with these symptoms again she told me to take him straight to the ER. Nice huh. I feel like it's K all over again.

So many emotions

2007-08-15T12:39:00.000-06:00

I am so full of all sorts of emotions today. I have no clue how to sort them out. They're flooding me to the point that all I want to do is sleep it off for a while.

1) I'm elated to see that my baby's tumor has SHURNK so much. I don't know how much shrinkage is from chemo/radiation and how much is because of the resection. But that doesn't matter now. What matters is that it went from the size of an egg to the size of a marble. Yes you read that right. When I drew the measurements on paper yesterday I was in awe. I've been thanking God nonstop since reading the report and seeing the change. HE is so good! HE has ensured that K have wonderful doctors. HE has ensured these doctors have the knowledge needed to take care of her and heal her. HE has given her strength to withstand the toughest of treatments and surgeries.

2) I'm thankful. See #1 to see why.

3) I'm scared. K starts her next round of chemo this evening. This dose is more than double the strength than her last dose. I don't know how she'll react to it this time around. Will she lose more of her hair now? Will she get sick? Will she need more transfusions? Will she recover quickly?

4) I'm nervous. Can I handle taking care of her this time around? Can I be strong enough for the both of us? If she gets sick I will be there to hold her while she's throwing up. I will be there to comfort her while she's weak and tired. Can I be supermom?

5) I'm tired. I can't sleep at night anymore. All I do is lay in bed watching my baby sleep. I'm wondering how much more time we have with her. How can I make each day special? How can I help her brothers draw closer to her so they don't have that resentment? How can I help each child to feel special?

So many questions. So many emotions.

Making a Difference

2007-07-18T18:36:00.000-06:00

I've had this family in my heart since I met them last week. This beautiful little boy who is 7 yrs old (J) and his mom (M) have been in the hospital since July 3rd. They're a long way from home. His dad and his siblings come visit him approx three times a week. He has a tumor in his brainstem. I met them in the recovery room. He started radiation on July 11th. He had the same neurosurgeon as K. However his family decided against surgery. Since his tumor is in his brainstem Dr. L says with surgery he can only possibly remove 30%. They are giving him no more than 6 months to live.

His mom is going through a really tough time right now, as any parent would when they learn their precious child has brain cancer. She keeps beating herself up "I should have taken him to the doctor sooner." "I should have noticed the signs." I just have this deep desire to reach out to them. I talked to her briefly in the recovery room, but our time was up. K finished treatment. He's just beginning his treatment.

One of K's teachers gave me a very special rock. It's a clear rock with a little angel in it. It's a small reminder that you are not alone. I wrote a little note to M. I let her know if she needed ANYTHING to call me anytime or email me. I then stuck it with the angel rock and gave it to the radiation nurse. I wasn't too sure how M would feel receiving a gift from me since we just met and only spoke the one time. Today I got an email from her. She said that rock was just what she needed and she got it right when she needed it. It really made me feel good. But my heart is still heavy. I feel like she, and her whole family, need more support. When they're on the inpatient floor J stays in his room. He refuses to go out and walk. The family doesn't know anyone aside from the doctors and nurses they see everyday. I've been praying for this family since I met them. Now it's on my heart to show them more support. But I keep asking HOW. How can I show that they are not alone. That there are people out there praying for them. Then something came to mind today. What if I get all of my online friends to send them a card? I think back to when K was first diagnosed and how there was such an outpouring of support. The get well cards and support cards we received in those first few weeks ment so much to me. Now the question is, how do I ask everyone to send 1 card?

Lost... Scared... What to do next

2007-07-13T18:34:00.000-06:00

It just hit me today. K has TWO more treatments left. What happens then? Yesterday was her last clinic visit for a while. How long? I don't know. This daily trek to the hospital has become my normal. I now know nothing else. What happens next? What do I do when we don't have to drive in anymore? How do I keep myself from wondering what's going on inside K's head while she isn't being monitored every day? So many unknowns.

Finally, We are done

2007-07-09T21:47:00.001-06:00

I can breath a bit easier as of this morning. K took her last dose of Temodar this evening. She has done wonderful through this whole thing. She was taking up to three pills at a time. And to think 42 days ago, when this all started, she couldn't even take one pill. We were having to break her meds up into apple juice.

This whole time I've felt horrible. I've felt like I've been poisoning my daughter. How could I give her meds that I can't even touch? I've had to wear gloves anytime I handle the pills. I've had to keep everything the pills touch and take them into the clinic to be disposed of properly. In a sense I have been poisoning her. I've been giving her high doses of a drug that kills cells. I know it's for a good reason, but it's still been difficult to do. In a couple of weeks we'll find out just how good this has been going.

K's MRI is scheduled for July 24th. We should have results within a few hours. She will go to the neurosurgeons office to have her shunt reprogrammed after the MRI. After that we will head to the clinic and get the results. I hope and pray things are good. I need to know that all of this stuff has been working. I hate the thought of putting my baby girl through all of this and it not be working.

Well we'll think about all the possibilities soon. For now we're rejoicing in the fact that she has finished her first round of chemo.

Blood

2007-07-05T11:04:00.000-06:00

On the way home from the hospital this morning I was listening to the radio. They had a special guest from the blood bank. They were talking about donating blood and how they always need blood but they need it so much more in the summer. People get busy with their family vacations and activities which means a lot less people donate blood. Also, as so many people are outside, enjoying the wildnerness, there are more accidents and an increased need for blood. They figured 1 in 3 people will need blood at least once in their lifetime.

I never thought about donating blood before. My mom is a fanatic about donating but it just wasn't something I wanted to do. Just the thought of having to get hooked up and have them drain your blood was too much for me to think about. Then something happened. K got sick. She needed a little bit of blood during her surgeries, but that's to be expected. Donating blood still didn't cross my mind. Then almost two weeks ago K needed a blood transfusion. Her treatment is obviously killing many cells in her body. Unfortunately, along with the bad cancer cells, it's also attacking her good cells. Her red blood cells were too low so she needed a transfusion. I couldn't believe the difference I saw in her almost immediately. Before her transfusion she was really tired all of the time and didn't want to do much but lay on the couch watching movies. She would also have trouble waking up from her sedation every morning because she was so tired. And trying to get her up first thing in the morning, so she could go in for her radiation treatment, was horrible. I was having to take an ice cube and put it in her shirt. And half the time that wouldn't even faze her because she was so exhausted. Post transfusion she was happy and smiling. She was running all over the place and wanting to go for rides down the halls of the hospital. When we got home she was too hyped up to go to sleep. Good thing it was a Friday night so we could all sleep in the next morning.

Anyway, her transfusion got me thinking. Who knows how many more times she will need to get blood during this journey of hers? How many other kids batteling cancer need transfusions? How many other people, aside from these kids will need blood for other reasons? My baby girl used 200 cc's of blood during her transfusion. That's because she's so small. The bag came with 300 cc's. Obviously they couldn't save the remaining 100 cc's for the next person. So that's 100 cc's that will never be used. That's 100 cc's that someone else needs. So this afternoon, I'm going to head down to the blood bank and donate. It's my first time and I'm pretty nervous. But I just keep thinking, if someone hadn't donated blood my baby girl wouldn't have been able to have her transfusion when she needed it. It's the least I can do. And I'd like to urge everyone to donate blood this summer. It could save someone's life.

Another Deployment

2007-07-02T19:40:00.000-06:00

Well J's gone again. He left earlier today. I don't think it's really hit me yet. Last time he deployed I was a mess. I was crying all of the time and could barely keep my mind on my work. This time around I haven't even come close to crying. Not even when Kelsey broke down in the car. Don't get me wrong, I'm a bit sad, but nothing like I normally am.

Anyway, I actually took some pictures today. I have J getting ready to be dropped off for his deployment and the two little ones sitting outside while daddy dropped off his bags. R didn't want to go. I don't think he's handling this whole deployment thing very well. He seems to have distanced himself a few weeks ago.

Need a Change

2007-06-15T21:19:00.000-06:00

I have decided I need a change in my outlook. It seems that lately my life is all about cancer. All I ever think about is cancer. I'm a person who likes to plan. I play out every possible situation in my head to make sure I have a plan for it. What does that do? It drives me crazy. I start to dwell on the negative possibilities. I start mourning for the sadness before it is even close to being a fact. This morning I woke up and had this sudden need to pray. It's not very often that I have such a strong calling to pray the minute I open my eyes. So I sat down in the dark, on my living room couch and bowed my head. I let it all out. I cried, I worshiped, I felt like screaming (but held back because I didn't want to wake anyone yet). Then I was at peace. I felt God this morning. I felt His arms wrap around me. I felt His grace and comfort. At that moment there was a change in my thinking. I am now thanking God for every moment I have with my kids. I'm so happy that I have just one more day to enjoy them. I'm praising Him for keeping Kelsey symptom free during her treatment. He has been so good to us and I was too stubborn to see it. But my eyes have been opened, my heart softened.

Not much to say... Mostly rambling

2007-05-07T14:58:00.000-06:00

Not much going on right now. We're preparing for K's surgery. It's scheduled for this Thursday. We have to check in by 530 am. Her CT is scheduled for 700 and she'll head into surgery right after that. The doctor says it'll be about 4-5 hours of surgery. That's gonna mean 4-5 hours of total hell for me. Wondering and waiting and praying.

If anyone still reads this blog, and doesn't know about K's caringbridge site I'll post the link for ya. It's Princess Butterfly

I'm gonna keep my updates on that site and use this site for me. My emotional turmoil and whatever else is going on.

I've been waiting to write this

2007-04-20T21:27:00.000-06:00

Things aren't looking too good right now. However J and I are keeping our hopes up. K is a fighter and a VERY strong little girl. We believe she will pull through this. On that note....

For those who haven't heard yet, we got the biopsy results yesterday. The doctors have had the results for a couple of days but they were waiting to contact us until they had a few options available for us. So here's the deal. K has a tumor called ANAPLASTIC ASTROCYTOMA. This is a level 3, or high-grade, tumor. The oncologist believes that chemo and radiation therapy alone will not do anything to help this tumor. She believes that our only option is to go in and try to remove as much of the tumor as possible and THEN attack it with chemo/radiation. When I heard that news I just wanted to break down crying. It's not so much the diagnosis that got me. It's the thought of surgery. When we were first told that K has a tumor the surgeon said that to try to remove it would not be possible. The tumor is in her Thalamus (which controls many things, including wakefulness) and it's also touching her brain stem. He said that to try to remove the tumor K stood a 50-80% chance of being completely paralyzed in her left side. And that is assuming she woke up. Apparently she has just as high of a chance of not waking from the surgery. So I'm sure you can see my concern.

J and I get to spend this weekend talking about the risks and options and deciding on what to do. We have an appointment Tuesday to talk about our decision.

I'm having an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT spiritual struggle right now. I've got anger and hurt towards God. I keep wondering why God would allow such a precious and innocent child to become so ill. So many people keep telling me I need to really turn to God in this time of need. But I feel like my anger is getting in the way. I feel like if I show up at church on Sunday I'll be hypocritical. Part of me is saying go to church but the other part is saying why bother. I'm so torn. I honestly don't know what to do.

Still Waiting

2007-04-13T15:05:00.000-06:00

It's been a little over two weeks since K had her biopsy done. For some reason the hospital here couldn't come up with a diagnosis so they had to send the sample to Johns Hopkins. I got a call from the doctor that it would take a couple of weeks to get the results back. Today is the two week mark since he called me. Still nothing.

Yesterday I took K to get her hair cut. I'm wanting to get it as short as possible, without making her look like a boy. My hope is that what has been shaved will grow quickly and catch up to her short hair so it will all be one length again. She looks really cute. I'll have to post a pic. When we were in the salon my mom mentioned that if K ends up losing her hair from chemo or radiation we are all going to shave our heads in support of her. The two ladies there were really supportive about it. Then this stylist, not the one working on K, pulled me over to the side. She said if that does happen to call them and let them know. They will shut down the salon for a couple of hours and let K use their supplies to cut our hair herself. I was so taken aback from that. I couldn't stop crying. It was just so touching that these people who have never met us before are offering something like that. So I told her I would keep her updated on what happens.

After K's hair was done I was getting ready to pay, but the salon people refused to charge us for her cut. Again I was stunned. I broke down crying again.

I am just so amazed at how so many people have pulled together for us. To help us when ever needed. Even people we don't know. It's just so neat. I've never seen support like this before.

Quick Update on K

2007-03-27T21:13:00.000-06:00

First off, I'm sort of relieved to announce that K's head issues are NOT related to the head injury she received a while back. The bad news....

She has a tumor in the middle of her brain. The neurosurgeon said there is no way it was caused by her injury. However now we are in the process of trying to figure out what to do. They will NOT remove the tumor due to where it is sitting. It is touching her brain stem. We were told, at her last appointment, that if they tried to remove the tumor she has a 50-80% chance of being completely paralyzed on the left side of her body. And that's IF she were to wake up at all. So removal is NOT an option.

We go in first thing tomorrow morning to have a biopsy done so they can test it and see if they can figure out a plan of action. I'll find out tomorrow how long we have to wait for results. But as soon as I find out I'll be sure to post.

Having Anger Issues

2007-03-19T07:27:00.000-06:00

Now that K is sick, everyone keeps telling me how we need to go back to church and really pray for her. But I'm having issues. How can I go to church and worship a God who would allow a precious 5 yr old girl go through this? Why do I need to pray for something He should already know? I am so angry right now that my baby girl has to go through this. Why would He allowed a child to have an inoperable tumor? WHY?!?!?

UGH!!! I don't know what to do!

2007-03-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Okay so y'all know I ended up not taking K to the ER on Thursday. I've been keeping a close eye on her and things have been okay, I guess. She still complains of a headache but not bad like it was Wednesday & Thursday. Then today happens.

Suddenly K starts complaining that her head hurts. So I tell her to go lay down for a bit. She starts crying that it's hurting really bad. Then she complains that her stomach hurts. My mom tells her to go to the bathroom and see if she needs to go potty. She gets to the bathroom door and throws up all over. Man this girl has talent! She got it all over the floor, the wall and the bathroom door. So I decide I'm taking her to the ER. The doctor told me Monday that if she starts throwing up or acting like a different kid to take her in. So I finish cleaning up her puke when suddenly A poops his pants. So I have to clean him up. All the while K is laying on her bed crying. I finish cleaning A up and get K into the car. We pull out of our driveway and not even to the end of the road when she throws up all over herself and the back of the car. I debate on taking her home and cleaning her up or just heading straight to the hospital. I decide to clean her up. I know I would be totally uncomfortable being covered in throw up for a few hours. So I turn the car around and head home. We go inside and I get her in the bath. My mom takes over cleaning her up, so I head out to the car and start cleaning. I did the best I could for being in a rush.

I come back inside and my mom is getting K dressed. Suddenly she is her chipper self again. I ask her how she is feeling and she says she is feeling much better now. So here's my dilemma, do I still take her to the hospital? If I take her in like this they're gonna think I'm making things up. She doesn't look or act sick. UGH I just don't know what to do.

What do we know???

2007-03-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

So I called the doctor yesterday and told her about K's head injury. She told me not to worry that more than likely it's not the cause of her tremors because it happened so long ago. So that makes me feel a bit better in the sense that my bad mothering skills weren't the cause of it. However, it makes me worry more because now we're back to square one and have NO CLUE what is going on.

Today.....

Okay, well yesterday really. I picked up K from the daycare and she was complaining about a headache. As soon as we got home I gave her some medicine and she laid down. Next thing I know she is asleep. Okay, now today...

I got a call from the daycare around lunch time. K had been complaining about a headache all morning and now was getting worse. She was almost hysterical. They asked if it would be possible for me to go over there and give her some medicine. I was a bit worried that she was complaining about a headache again since it was so soon from the last one. And well, now I'm one of those over protective mothers. I called the doctor. I told her about the headaches and she tells me to get K to the emergency room immediately. Just lovely I'm thinking. I don't have the time to take off work today. I have time to take off, but I have to use all of it tomorrow for several appointments. Needless to say I ended up taking the time off. My baby girl is more important to me than a couple hours of pay.

I get home and my mom has K home already and she is sleeping. Mom gave her the medicine as soon as she picked her up and they walked home. So K was pretty tired. So I decided to let her take her nap, obviously she needed it cause she never sleeps. When she woke she seemed to be fine so I decided not to take her in yet. Since she has some appointments tomorrow and she's not acting funny and the headache is gone I decided to just watch her overnight and take her in tomorrow. Unless she gets worse of course.

Now I don't know if it was the best choice but so far everything seems okay. So that's it for now. I'm hoping I'll know more soon, but I really don't expect to get the results of the CT scan until we see the neurologist.

I am such a great mom!!! (Can you hear the sarcasim)

2007-03-05T21:44:00.000-07:00

I had to take K to the doctor today.

A couple of weeks ago her room lead at her daycare mentioned something to J. K seems to shake a LOT when she does stuff. We'd never noticed it, so J passed it off as her getting overly excited. Then a few days later I took K into daycare and the room lead talked to me about it. She seemed genuinely worried. So I started to keep an eye on her. Know what I found??? She really did shake. It was more like a tremor. (Think of someone with Parkinson's) So I started to watch her even more closely. She was shaking quite often. The room lead talked to J again and mentioned that she has been watching K and has noticed that the only time she is not shaking is when she is eating. That weekend K slept in my bed with me and I woke to the weirdest thing. She was shaking in her sleep!

So I called the doctor.

Today was her appointment. While watching the doctor do some simple tests I found out that this shaking was a LOT worse than I thought. She shakes her head, both arms (her left shakes worse than her right) and her left leg. And she shakes BAD. We now have a neurology appointment for further testing.

Oh why am I such a great mom? Yeah I feel bad that I wasn't the one who noticed this in the first place. Heck I don't even know how long this has been going on. The room teacher noticed it on her first day with K. So she has been watching her for a month now. Yeah she has been shaking at LEAST that long. But the kicker is this...

When I got home and dropped K off with my mom I told her about the appointment. The doctor asked if K happened to have some sort of head trauma happen to her. Nothing that I could think of. Of course I'm thinking recently. My mom pointed out the trauma from just over a year ago when she fell of the bed and cracked her head on the tile floor. Yeah remember those lovely posts about her bald spot? When she hit the floor so hard it killed the hair follicles and she went bald there? Yeah that trauma could possible be the cause of this. What's weird is that later in the day my mom took K to the park to play. While there another lady says to K "you must be freezing you're shaking so bad" and K responds "I'm not cold I just shake all the time." So my mom and this lady start talking. Apparently this lady, when she was little, was hit on the head with a rake. A few years later she developed something similar to Parkinson's. She went through 5 different medications to try to get it under control.

So I'm sitting here thinking... I wonder if this would be happening if I had taken K to the doctor for her goose egg and not waited until the bald spot happened. Maybe if I had been home all along and not gone to work, for selfish reasons, I would have noticed her shaking and not had to rely on someone else to see it. I know I can't change what had happened but I sure am playing the what ifs right now.

Just Ignore This

2007-02-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a LONG post. I'm just trying to get my head around everything. I'm not looking for comments, but I won't stop you if you feel the need to say something.

As many people know, J and I moved mom out here a couple months ago. We had several reasons. One big thing was that she had been laid off from her job and hadn't been able to find work. She was about to lose her apartment and had to file bankruptcy on all of her bills. She was extremely depressed and I was worried about her being on her own. She couldn't afford to buy food most of the time so she was at the mercy of our family to feed her. But I later found out she was too proud to let them know how bad off she really was. Apparently I'm the only person she feels she can confide in completely. For the most part I don't mind it. I'm glad that I can be an ear for her. Unfortunately I think it's more than I can handle anymore.

Since arriving here, my mom hasn't been able to find a job. She was looking a TON for the first month. Then suddenly she just stopped looking. She was feeling down about the fact that she hadn't been hired yet. Because she still isn't working she lost her car. So now she says she is "stuck in this house". I keep telling her to keep looking for a job and we'll find a way to get her there. It's not like we don't have two cars and it's not like there isn't a decent bus system here. But she still won't look.

Another thing that has happened since she arrived is that she has gotten extremely sick. She has severe asthma and allergies. Oh and she is allergic to our dog. A little over a month ago I had to take her to the ER because she was having such a bad attack. I'm paying all of her medical bills, taken her to the doctor several times and am buying all of her medication. I really don't mind doing this for her.

Then a couple of weeks ago she said that come spring time she wanted to have a yard sale and get rid of EVERYTHING she owns. She then said she would use that money and buy a cheap car and drive back to New Mexico. She didn't say much about it and I didn't really know what to say. So we left it at that. Things have been decent around here. She seems so happy when J is gone. But when he comes home she gets upset and sick again. She isolates herself in the basement. Refusing to come upstairs except to get something to eat and use the restroom.

Today she told me she was planning on just advertising her stuff for sale now and she would just sell it for cheap so she can get rid of it. What ever money she gets she wants to buy a bus ticket and get back to New Mexico. So I told her, I hate seeing her so sick and miserable and that if it would benefit her we would pay to send her back to New Mexico. I also told her not to sell her stuff but that she can leave it here and when she gets back on her feet we can take it down there. We could also use it as an excuse to have a vacation. After offering to send her back she broke down crying. She starts saying how she hates God because he "obviously doesn't care". That he has not shown her compassion or love. She just kept ranting. Saying how she wishes she were never born and that her "whore of a mother should have had an abortion or miscarriage". It was a rough afternoon. Then she proceeded to tell me how every night she hopes she will die in her sleep. But when she wakes up she is so disappointed. She continues to tell me that when she does die I'm not allowed to be sad but I need to be happy because she won't be so miserable anymore. I asked if there were anything I could do to help her or if we, as a family, to help make her more comfortable/content here. She told me to go the the store and buy her some arsenic.

I walked out of the room crying. I don't know how to handle all of this. I know it's too much to ask of me. I can't be both a daughter and a friend, right? I can't stop being sad and crying when I just sit down. I'm so sorry I brought her out here. I feel like if she had stayed in New Mexico she would have been forced to do something and maybe she would have been better off. But it's too late now. I've ruined her life twice now. UGH

Cold

2007-01-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

Man I'm really missing J right now. He called me last night and said he's pretty much stuck where he's at. And now instead of coming home Monday we don't know when he'll be home. Guess I should be used to it by now, but it's still hard.

The snow just now stopped and I was outside shoveling the driveway. This is the first time in my life I've ever shoveled snow. I'm so proud of myself that I did it, but not in this cold with a hurt back. If J were here it probably wouldn't be done yet but at least I know it would be on his list of things to do.

Can we say "Ouch"?

2007-01-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

Wednesday morning, 3:27 am, the phone rings. Waking from my deep sleep I realize the phone isn't in my room. In a hurry to answer it so the ringing wouldn't wake anyone and HOPING it would be J I jump out of bed and run to the living to answer it. Unfortunately it wasn't J. It was actually some prank call for my mom. I yelled at the caller asking "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?!?!?!?!" He retorts "I sorry. I call back" and hangs up. I walk back to bed, pissed off about the call. When I try to go back to sleep I realize I can't. My back is kinda hurting. As my official wake up time gets closer I realize I not just kinda hurting, I'm hurting pretty bad. I get up for the day and get ready for work. My back was still aching so I grabbed some breakfast and some motrin and went to work. After being at work for an hour my back was slowly getting worse. So I figured it was time to call my doc and try to get in. The soonest I could get in was today (Thursday) at 9:00. So I take the appointment and the nurse tells me "if you start getting worse call us back and you can talk to the nurse." So I head back to my desk. Less than a half hour later I find that I can't concentrate any more. My back is hurting SO BAD it's all I can think about. I end up calling the doc back. After speaking the the nurse he tells me to head to the ER to make sure I didn't do something stoopid. Oh and I have to have someone drive me in case they give me something to make me loopy.

I head home right away and pick up my mom. We head over to the ER and check in. While we're sitting in the lobby waiting to be called back the nurse walks two patients out. One was an older man who apparently didn't want to leave. After the nurse walked away the man started moaning and almost crying. Then we walks over to where mom and I are sitting. He stands in the corner, right next to mom, and picks up a chair. Next thing I know he's throwing chairs around the room and mom and I are trapped. We jump up as quickly as we can and hurry as far away from him. Once he's escorted out of the hospital we sit back down. I was feeling alright because I'd been resting so much but that quick movement irritated my back more. Good thing we got called back almost immediately after that incident.

The doc doesn't really diagnose me but gives me several medications to ease the pain until I get into my doc in the morning. Two shots and three prescriptions later I'm on my way home to pass out.

This morning I head straight to the doctor and she says my back is pretty twisted up. I didn't do anything too bad but it's really messed up muscle wise. She gives me a couple of exercise to stretch out the muscles and sends me on my way. Telling me to keep up on all of the meds I received yesterday. So I went out and headed to work.

I had a pretty decent day until about 3:00 this afternoon when I could no longer handle sitting. I tried to work standing up but my desk just wasn't made for that. I took a break every couple of minutes and had to take a walk to stretch. Talk about the longest stretch of afternoon in history.

After work I went to pick up the kids, hoping they would be happy to see me and want to go home. A asked if I could pick him up and carry him yet. When I told him no he got so excited. My bad. That boy ended up running all over the daycare and rolling all over the floor looking at me and laughing. I was so furious at him I seriously wanted to sit down and cry. I couldn't wait to get home and collapse.

Obviously I'm home now, but by the time I got here I was in so much pain I was sick to my stomach. I can't take the pain killers during the day because they knock me out. So I've had to tough it out until now. And now I'm in happy land which would explain all the typo's, and nonsense.

What to do, What to do

2007-01-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

As many people know, I was a pretty wild teenager. That "wildness" led to me getting pregnant at a pretty young age, 17 to be exact. I was a single mom until just after R turned 3. From the day I met J he has taken R in as his own. He treats him like his own flesh and blood. But now R is starting to really ask about his bio-dad. I'm answering all of his questions honestly. I'm not talking bad about bio in any way. Suddenly, last night, R asks if he can meet bio. I knew this day would come, but I didn't think it would come so soon. Bio ran away when he found out R was his son. He asked for a paternity test because I didn't put him down on the birth certificate. Actually I left it blank. When I agreed to the test is when he fell off the face of the earth. I know where he is living, no I'm no stalking him. I just don't know what to do. How do I tell J that R wants to meet bio? I don't want J to be upset. I know he wouldn't keep R from bio. But I'm sure his feelings will be a bit hurt. And how to I contact bio after all these years? He still hasn't even acknowledged that R is his son.

Anyone have any ideas/advice? I'm open to suggestions here.

Something isn't right

2007-01-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get that feeling that something just isn't right? No J is not cheating on me. He recently left on a trip and I just have a funny feeling about it. I can't decide how to deal with it. Do I tell him? Do I keep it to myself? What can I do to stop thinking about? The dread just won't go away.

Are you getting ready for the holidays?

2006-12-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

We're trying, as best we can, to get ready for Christmas. It's a bit more difficult than in years past due to my working. I'm used to heading out for some shopping anytime I feel like it. Now I'm limited to shopping only on the weekends. And to make things even more difficult, I've been working every Saturday for the past month or so. So that pretty much leaves Sunday for my holiday shopping, grocery shopping, cleaning house, and somehow spending time with the family.

Oh yeah and every evening/night I spent most of the time sitting up, worrying and wondering when I'm going to be taking my mom to the ER again. Her asthma has been really acting up and it really scares me. I've seen her get to the point where she totally stops breathing several times. All because she's too stubborn to go to the doctor early on in her attack. So I haven't been sleeping too well due to the worry.

J texted me today to give me some bad news. He's been called to go on a last minute mission that can last however long. What great timing! It's just before Christmas and there's a very big chance that he's going to miss it. So now I have to decide, do we want to hold off on celebrating Christmas until he gets home, or do we celebrate it without him? I'm leaning towards holding off but letting the kids open their presents from Santa. I figure they wait for so long for Santa to come along, I don't want them to miss out on the fun of opening his presents Christmas morning. What would you do?

Cookies

2006-11-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

I have learned a valuable lesson this week. Don't volunteer to bake cookies for a squadron bakesale until you've perfected your recipe in your new home.

Guess It's Time For An Update

2006-11-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

So my friend "A" found my lovely little blog over the weekend. And it reminded me that I really, REALLY need to give an update.

I've been keeping pretty busy around here. J spends most of his time away from home. Last week he was in North Pole, Alaska. This week he's close by, but still can't come home. Guess it's a good thing my mom is here now to help me out. I'm getting ready to host another spouse social for the squadron. I'm just trying to figure out how to fit it into my schedule of Christmas shopping, working overtime every weekend and general house stuff. I think I need to figure out a better way to manage my time.

Oh I know something that's interesting. Well maybe not too interesting to you but I find it exciting. I got my hair cut last Sunday! My ponytail was 18.5 inches long, which is now going to Locks of Love. I'll post a picture of it as soon as I teach my mom how to use my camera. If I wait till J gets home to take a picture it'll be grown back out. But look for my new look soon.

Wow, I guess my life has been pretty boring the last couple of months. I don't really have much to update on. Maybe now that my mom is here and we start exploring the area I'll have more to talk about. For now I guess that's it.

Exciting News!

2006-07-30T12:07:00.000-06:00

I GOT A JOB! I'm so excited.

I told J that after my day from hell I wasn't going to look for a job anymore. I would just focus on school. I decided to cancel the job interview I had received a call for. I went to see the counselor about school and got all the info I needed. I applied for my PIN for financial aide.

Then later that day I got a call from another company. I had applied for a job online and then totally forgot about it. This job is the EXACT same thing I did right after R was born. I remember how much I loved that job. And it was in the medical field so it could be a benefit for me with school. I figured I would go to the interview and check it out. The last job that was like this offered help when going to school, if you were going for something that they could use. And we had RNs to help with medical pre-authorizations. So I went to the interview and walked away not feeling too optimistic about it. But that's okay because I still could follow through with school and go full time.

The day my PIN arrived in my email I got a phone call from this company. They wanted to hire me! I was so excited, I felt like jumping around the house and screaming. But wait, what about school? I talked to the counselor and she said there were plenty of classes that would work around my schedule. So I can still do both. I won't be able to start school until winter quarter due to financial aide, so I'll have a good 4-5 months of working before I add the stress of school.

Oh and want to know the best part? After I complete my training for this position I'll be working from home! WOOHOO!!! I'm still planning on putting K and A into daycare so they can get some interaction with other kids. Plus I know that I won't get much work done with them home. But aside from while I'm training, I don't need to worry about R. I found an opening for him at a family child care home just down the street from me. So he'll go there while I'm training for the first month and a half. But after that I'll be home when he goes to school and be home when he gets out.

So it looks like things are looking up.

What Was I Thinking?

2006-07-26T14:15:00.000-06:00

I volunteered to be a point of contact for Js squadron. It's been pretty uneventful so far. Then today I get a phone call. I have to call everyone in our squadron and let them know about a bbq that will be happening later this week. OMG I have to CALL people! OMG I have to TALK to people. I can't just leave a message. My heart is racing, I'm breaking out in a sweat, my palms are damp, suddenly I'm feeling very hot.

This is not going well. I keep getting answering machines which means I'm going to have to call again this evening to try and get a REAL PERSON. What have I done? I can't handle this!

The things kids say sometimes

2006-07-24T11:34:00.000-06:00

This morning, during breakfast, K asked when daddy was coming home. I told her I wasn't sure but that he was trying to get home as quickly as he could. Then A looks up and tells K that "daddy is at WORK". Then he turns to look at me and asks "mom, can daddy come visit us next?" I about died. How sad that he's asking for daddy to come visit us because he's been gone for so long.

Can I Do it?

2006-07-21T17:42:00.000-06:00

I had the best phone call this morning. I've been waiting for this call for the past three months. It was the counselor from the education center here on base. I've been trying to get a hold of her for so long. My life long dream is to become an RN and I found the community college here offers it. Since I've never attemped school past high school I'm pretty clueless as to what to do. So I called her and was hoping she could guide me in the right direction. So now I have an appointment Tuesday morning to go meet with her. Oh about the kids... no worry, J will be should be home by then. Oh yeah and she said if I can't make it cause he doesn't show up, that's alright, I can go in any other time during the week. YAY!

So then this afternoon I get a call about a resume I had sent out a while ago. The lady asked if I had found a job yet and obviously my answer was "no". So I have an interview with her Wednesday afternoon.

Am I taking on more than I can handle? Is it really possible to work full time AND go to school?

Livin It Up

2006-07-20T13:54:00.000-06:00

J finally called me this morning. I haven't heard from him in a couple of days. I knew he was okay but my mind was starting to wander and I kept imagining all these horrible things happening to him. Last night I barely slept because I kept having nightmares. I hope my life isn't going to be like this from now on. Otherwise I'll go crazy. Oh wait I'm already there.

Anyway he is stuck in Greece. He was supposed to leave today to start heading home. He has two more stops before he gets here. But when they boarded their plane this morning they found that it was broken. They're now back in their hotel waiting for the aircraft parts to be flown in. Once they're in they guys are hoping to have the plane fixed in a day. So now we're waiting at home, wondering when he'll arrive. And he's living it up sight seeing and drinking the nights away. Must be nice.

Stress Relieved

2006-07-19T14:39:00.000-06:00

So I couldn't sleep last night. I kept running through my head every possible option for my interview. Then I started running daycare options through my head. The child development center here is only open until 5:00 pm. I have no clue what time the boys & girls club closes. I still can't get a hold of family child care. So I was wondering what child care options do I have? This position that I'm applying for has hours of 9:00 am to 6:00 pm. I don't have anyone here who can pick the kids up from daycare before it closes and keep them until I get there. J could do it when he's home, but his schedule is so uncertain I could never count on him. IF I find a family child care home that is open past 6:00 that would work. But then it donned on me. It would be near 7:00 pm by the time I picked up the kids and got home. We would have to make dinner quickly and then bath/shower and head to bed. I wouldn't be able to spend any real time with them in the evenings. As it is K and A have a bedtime of 7 pm. R has a bedtime of 8. So I would be keeping my kids up past their bedtimes on a regular basis and making them get up early everyday. That's not fair of me to do something like that to them. As for spending time together, the only decent time we would get would be in the morning when we're getting ready to head out. Oh and we'd have weekends too, but still that's not enough. The kids deserve more. They deserve a mom. Dad is barely around due to his work schedule, they need someone they can count on.

So I called the company and cancelled the interview. I'll keep looking and hope I find something that works better for our schedule. Otherwise I'll just keep calling the education center and hope I can finally get a hold of someone to help me go back to school.

Day From HELL

2006-07-18T17:46:00.000-06:00

I feel like things are falling apart around me and my sanity is one of the first things to go.

It all started last night while I was getting ready for my interview today. Even though the long drawn out version is much more interesting, I can't bare to write the whole thing again. Suffice to say I stabbed the bottom of my foot with a sharp metal object. And no it wasn't on purpose.

So today I'm spending my morning trying to find drop in care for my kids. I never got any referrals for a babysitter so I gave up on that idea. I started calling the boys and girls club for R, but they were "having a situation and no employees were available" to speak to me. So I was asked to call back in about 20 minutes. I called back after a half hour and now no one would answer the phone. So I start trying to call the family child care office to see if I could get a list of their home daycare providers. I figured one of them should have an opening, even if it's just for R and not all three. I knew I could drop K and A off at the child development center. I started calling family child care the minute they opened and only got voice mail. I left a message but never got a response. I found their address and drove by to see if they had a list outside their door. (The family child care office at our old base always had lists outside so that's why I thought I would check) Well this office was nowhere to be found.

Anyway, before I started driving all over the place looking for family child care, I spoke with my mom on the phone. I told her about the accident with my foot and she suggested I go get a tetanus shot. Great one more thing to add to my already busy day. So I call the medical clinic to see if I need an appointment or not. They tell me to just go in. So I got the kids dressed and we head out the door to the clinic. Just as I shut the house door behind me I realize the my car/house keys are on the kitchen counter. OMG what am I going to do? Any other time I'd just call J and tell him I'm locked out. He would them come home and let me back in. This time was different. J is not in any position to come home and let me in. So I call the housing office and ask if they can have someone come out to let me in. (Again a stupid assumption since that's what they did at our last base) The woman I spoke with told me I need to go to their office and show them identification and then they would lend me a key to get back into my house. Okay first off my car keys are in the house which means I CAN'T drive. Second I have a bad foot and three kids, there is NO WAY we can walk the 2.5 miles to the office and then turn around and walk 2.5 miles back. Especially since I only have an umbrella stroller and K is wearing flip flops. I told K she was gonna have to be a big girl and walk even if her feet hurt. I was so frustrated at this point I was bawling. We started walking a got a whole two houses away when my foot started hurting so bad I couldn't go any further. So we turn around and head home. I'm sitting on my front porch crying and trying to figure out what I'm going to do, while the kids run around playing. Suddenly I realize, I think I left my bedroom window unlocked. We all head to the back yard to check and yes it's unlocked. Only the screen is on and it won't come off. So I ripped the screen and opened the window. Then I picked up R and helped him climb in. Once he was in he walked over to the door and unlocked it. And what do you know my keys were right where I left them. Just waiting for me. So I drove over to the medical clinic and got my shot. That's one thing checked off my ToDo list. Now all I need to do is find a babysitter still and get ready for my interview.

Did I mention that by this time my interview is only an two hours away and I still have to feed the kids lunch too? I forgot that part? Oops.

I get home and I'm still hacking my brain trying to figure out what to do for childcare. I only need it for 1 hour AT THE MOST. I searched online for drop in child care in my area and only one thing came up. It's at the mall and it's for children ages 2-11. PERFECT! So I call them and get all the details. I then make the kids their lunch and I get ready for my interview. After everyone is fed and I'm dressed we load back into the van. We head over to the mall and I sign them up and drop them off. Then they hand me my pager and tell me the rules that they "forgot" to tell me over the phone. This childcare can only be used for shopping at the mall and seeing a movie. OK, well why didn't you tell me that when I called? I am NOT allowed to leave the mall while they are in care. So what am I to do? The kids are already checked in and having fun. So I leave and walk around the mall. I could use some time to clear my head anyway.

I realized there was NO WAY I was going to make it to this interview. I called my mom and talked to her for a minute. I really needed to get it out and cry. I didn't want to cry at the mall though. Then I called the lady I was interviewing and asked if I could reschedule. I told her about my day and she said yes I could reschedule. But I know I already made a bad impression due to this. She asked if this would be a common occurrence if I were to get the position. I told her that I KNOW it would not be but I fear the damage is already done.

After I got off the phone with her I called the boys and girls club again and this time an employee answered. I asked if they offered drop in care like the child development center does and he says "no, we're full". So then I sat there wondering, what is a parent to do when their child is "too old" for daycare but too young to stay home alone? What happens when you don't know anyone in your neighborhood?

I let the kids stay their hour in the drop in care and then we came home. As soon as I got home I called family child care again and left another message. The office officially closed an hour and a half ago and I never did get a call back. I'm hoping they call tomorrow. Otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do. I've never had to deal with this before. I've always had a sitter in the past, and now I'm totally alone. It's just me and my kids.

2006-07-17T15:36:00.000-06:00

WOW guess I kinda slacked off on the blogging for a while huh. I've been so busy lately, okay I've only been so busy the last three days. Honestly I've been sitting around on my fat butt feeling sorry for myself. What do I have to feel sorry for? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! But that doesn't stop me.

J is on a TDY around the world. I have no idea when he's going to be home. Initially we thought it was going to be a week long tour, but once he got to his first destination he called me to tell me that things had changed and now I just have to wait and hope he shows up at the door sometime soon.

I've been feeling extremely bored with my life lately. I feel so unproductive. It's sad actually. I spend time with my kids, but still I'm feeling unsatisfied. So, over the weekend I decided to do something drastic. I hopped online and sent out a few resumes. I also called the education center a couple of times to set up a meeting to get me started with going to school. I still haven't heard back from them, so I'll just let that be until they call me back. In the mean time I am actively looking for a job. I was really enjoying working before we moved out here. And now it's so hard to be a SAHM again. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I want to spend my time with them, but I don't feel like I'm doing enough for them. They're not being socialized, when we go to the park they keep to themselves. We spend time reading, but I really don't feel their learning to their full potential and I have no clue how to help that. I may be a parent, but I'm not trained in early childhood education. I really feel they could benefit from being in daycare/preschool.

UPDATE** I got a call a few minutes ago from one of the places that I sent my resume to and I have an interview TOMORROW. I'm so excited, now to find a babysitter for tomorrow.

Making Plans

2006-06-06T11:22:00.000-06:00

Well I've finally decided that I'm am going to get some plastic surgery. I am totally unhappy with my body. I'm working out on a regular basis, but there are certain areas that are not shrinking. So I'm going to get some lipo, a tummy tuck to get rid of the saggy skin, and breast implants. I'll finally have the boobs I've always wanted.

Any advice on how to help me recoup faster? Anything that might make healing time easier?

Oh SO PROUD

2006-06-01T14:09:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it. I was out front yesterday, while the kids were playing, and two of my neighbors were outside. One lives next to me and the other one is just moving in across the street.

I got up my nerve and I started talking to them!!!! I about died! I went inside afterwards and told J about my accomplishment and he just laughed at me. I EVEN GOT THEIR NAMES!!!! That's more than a "hey there" or a "hi how are you". This was a REAL converstaion!! Granted it only lasted 5 minutes but that's 5 minutes more than I'd have had on a normal day.

Now let's just hope this keeps up and I don't go back into my shell.

I'm so glad the weekend is over

2006-05-30T09:19:00.000-06:00

I need my house to get back to normal. This weekend was horrible. Everyone was home and couped up inside for 4 days STRAIGHT!!! OMG it was driving me insane!!! The toys/clothes/games/blankets/winter jackets/shoes that are ALL over the floor. UGH!!!

I need to start cleaning my house but I don't know where to start. On top of that I'm not feeling too hot so I have to suffer while doing this.

Oh boy, let the FUN begin!

I really don't like phone calls

2006-05-25T14:34:00.000-06:00

I really do NOT like anything that has to do with me talking to people. It's not that I don't like people and I'm not some sort of stuck up snob. I just don't like it.

Well a couple of weeks ago this lady called our house to talk to me. She is the head of the enlisted spouses club here and she's married to Js commander. I didn't hear the phone ring so she left a message. I've been meaning to call her back every since, but every time I try I hang up the phone freaking out that I actually have to talk to someone.

Yesterday I started actually writing down a ToDo list so I don't forget anything. (I don't exactly have the best memory) Today J put down, on my list, to call this lady. My stomach dropped as soon as I saw that, but I knew it had to be done. I put it off until dead last. I had nothing else on my list to do. So I broke down and dialed. I hung up a couple of times, before letting the call go through. J just sat there laughing at me.

Once the call went through I was praying that there would be noone home. My prayer was answered, but I did get an answering machine. I left a short, hurried message and hung up. Then I had to sit on the couch and put my head between my knees. I felt like I was going to faint/vomit.

WOW

2006-05-24T10:32:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I've actually started the ball rolling. I contacted several of the local colleges/universities to inquire about their nursing programs. I now have an appointment to get set up and started. I'm so excited/scared/nervous! I haven't been out of school for almost 10 years and now I'm about to go back to get my degree and become a nurse. Now I just need to figure out the childcare situation for while I'm attending classes. Good thing I won't start until the fall so I have time to get it worked out.

I Guess I Need A Mans Point of View

2006-05-23T09:00:00.000-06:00

Js "friend" called again last night. This is the first time that I'm aware of since I snooped through Js cell phone last week. He didn't bother to go outside to talk to her, but it was the type of conversation where she does most of the talking and he just grunts/mumbles in response. However the way he talked to her when he first answered the phone was very, for lack of a better work, playful.

After they hung up I asked who that was and he said it was his "friend from Oklahoma". So I started asking a couple of questions about her, not wanting to seem too obsessed or overbearing. But the only information I got out of him was that she is single. When I mentioned to him that she seems to call a lot more than his other friends, who are all guys, he just commented "well you know how guys are". Meaning they don't like to talk on the phone much.

Yes she is in Oklahoma so I'm not worried about some affair that could be happening here and now. But my question is why would a SINGLE woman be calling a MARRIED man? And would it be too much to tell J that I don't feel comfortable with him having single female friends? From my past experience they only reason girls wanted to talk/hang out with my boyfriend was because she was interested in becoming more than friends. I think I trust J, but I totally don't trust her. I don't even know her which is part of the problem.

It's all set

2006-05-22T14:46:00.000-06:00

After putting the idea out about having an online Discovery Toys party, it seems quite a few people are interested. Thank you to ALL who are willing to help me get R to his bike race in CA.

I'll be posting details here later this week about the online "party". If you're interested in joining in on this and helping R get to the race please let me know. Also, if you know anyone else who might be interested please, PLEASE, let them know about this site.

Also, we're going to be going around and seeing if we might be able to find a sponsor or two for R. Considering he's the only kid from here doing this, I'm hoping people might be a bit interested.

Now on to the fun stuff... planning.

Feeling Hopeful

2006-05-20T16:49:00.000-06:00

I think I've figured out a way to help raise money for R to go to the Redline Cup Final. I don't know how successful it will be, but it's a start. I'm thinking of having an online Discovery Toys party. My thinking is inviting everyone I know online, and anyone else who might be interested, and having a "demo". I don't do home parties because I am deathly afraid of meeting people in real life. I know I'm weird, I just have this weird anxiety about it. I won't even go outside to check the mail if I know people are out there.

Anyway, since summer is coming up Discovery Toys has recently rolled out the new summer products and they are on SALE. Sorry I love sales. So what I was planning on doing was once all the orders are in I'll put the name of everyone who ordered into a hat and draw one winner. That winner will receive the hostess rewards as if it were an inhome demo. I'm hoping this will work out well since I have no other ideas on how to get R to the race.

And I'm thinking since it's not for me to make money, it's for R fundraising, maybe people will be a bit more helpful. They're not supporting me, they are helping R AND they are getting some great stuff out of it.

What do you think?

Let's Be Honest

2006-05-19T21:03:00.000-06:00

I have run through just about every possible fundraising idea. Most fundraisers require a group. We don't have a group, no one else from our area has qualified for the Redline Cup Final. I can't hold a garage/yard sale because we donated everything we didn't need/want before we moved here. I'm not assertive enough, in person, to work my Discovery Toys business offline. And we all know that to really work it you need to do it in person with parties, or I'm sorry "demos".

So what am I supposed to do? Do I just tell R that it's impossible for me to save up enough money for all of us to go the the Redline Cup Final? This kid has his heart set on going and he's training so hard. Honestly, what 8 year old boy would go out jogging every evening and then start doing lower body work on his own? I'm not the one pushing him here, he's pushing himself. He knows the other kids his age are bigger than him. He knows he has to work twice as hard to be as good as them. And he's doing it. I have never seen such determintion in him before.

After a full day/evening of research I'm am stuck with A) not going to the Redline Cup Final, B) placing a donation button on my sidebar and hoping and praying that people will actually donate, or C) putting AdSense on my blog and again hoping and praying that people will click.

This is one of those times I wish we had more money. But, hubby is in the Air Force so he doesn't bring home much. We live on what we have to without much room for want. And I guess this is just a bit too much want. I just feel horrible having to break Rs heart with him working so hard for this.

Brainstorming

2006-05-19T14:49:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to come up with some fundraising ideas for R. Because he came in 3rd at the Redline Cup Qualifier, he has now qualified to go to the Redline Cup Finals in California. I'm so happy for him, this is a BIG DEAL.

This race is at the end of September which gives me plenty of time to save up. However J will not be home when we have to go, so that means it will be me and all three kids. WOOHOO this should be fun. I thinking we may need to fly to this race because it's quite a distance from here, AND it starts on a Friday. I can't have R missing a week of school just to get down there. The flying and take the sibling adds to the expense. Which in turn has my brain going overboard trying to figure out how I'm gonna come up with enough money.

So I decided R should do some fundraising to earn as much of his share as possible. This is a three day race and it's pretty pricey to get in. So I'm thinking if he starts fundraising now he should have earned enough to cover a large chunk of his expenses.

Now my only problem is I can't seem to think of any ways for him to fundraise. I did think about having him offer to mow lawns around our neighborhood, but he's only 8 and can't even mow my back yard completely. Plus we don't know our neighbors very well yet. We did just move here afterall.

Anyway, do anyone out in blog land have any ideas/suggestions on how he can fundraise?

So Weird

2006-05-18T09:36:00.000-06:00

This week is Js first time away from us for more than a couple of hours since we moved here. It has been so weird for me. Before, when we would leave, I had my family around me to help me out. This time it was just me and the kids. What's funny is I felt so much more in control. It was all on me. Even though it was weird I felt extremely comfortable. Finally, I was actually able to control most things that happened each day.

Now if only I could control my mind from thinking the worst about Js "friend". I think as soon as he gets home and gets his first phone call from her I'll be asking more about her and seeing what I can find out. What sucks is that from my history with other guys I start thinking the worst is happening. But then I catch myself and say J is not one of these other guys. He is my HUSBAND. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I will confront him when the time arrises, but I will NOT assume the worst. Then five minutes later I'm doing it all again. UGH

Can't Get It Out Of My Head

2006-05-16T15:18:00.000-06:00

J has a job that makes him travel a lot. Last year, while he was gone from home for a while, he made a friend. Well he made a few friends, but there is just one that sort of bothers me.

Right before we left New Mexico this friend started calling him. Either he would go outside to talk to would barely say a word while on the phone. It was really weird but I didn't think anything of it. Then the phone calls started getting more frequent. About a week ago I found out this friend was a female. I don't know much about her because I don't feel I should have to ask.

Then yesterday J left his cell phone at home while he went to work. I couldn't help but be curious about this friend and I started looking in his call history. She calls him almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. None of his other friends call him that much.

I just can't figure out why a female would call a MARRIED MAN so much. I know my curiosity is the worst and I shouldn't have been looking through his phone, but I just had to know. And now that I know, I regret it. I have so many stoopid thoughts running through my head and last night I even dreamed that J left me for this "friend".

I don't know what to do, should I ask J about her and tell him that I was snooping through his phone? Or just drop it? Why wouldn't he feel like he could just tell me about her? I don't mind him having friends, but he talks about all his other friends with me no problem, just not her.

I Never Realized

2006-05-11T16:04:00.000-06:00

I never realized just how hard it would be to deal with family issues when I'm so far away from the family. I mean I have my own little family here with me, but everyone else has been left behind when we moved here.

Late last night my mom sent an email to my brother and myself. I didn't get it until this morning. It's a bit weird and is sort of a list of instructions on what she wants done with her body after she dies. She's not sick now aside from depression, so this comes as a surprise to me.

Before I got the email I called my mom but there was no answer. So I figured she was out running errands or something and I left a message. About an hour later is when I checked my email and found it. A couple hours later my mom still hadn't called back. So I called again and still there is no answer. At this point I'm starting to get worried. My mom is not one to not call. She usually calls me 20 times a day. And today she hasn't called once. Nor has she answered any of my phone calls.

I feel so helpless here. All I can do is sit and wait and hope she calls soon. I called my sister in law and asked her to go check on her, but she doesn't sound like she really wants to. She just got mad that my mom isn't answering her phone. What if something happened? What if something is wrong. What if her depression got the worst of her?

Been a little busy this week

2006-05-09T15:24:00.000-06:00

Had a pretty interesting weekend. Saturday we were heading over to the bike races when K decided she was going to get sick and throw up in the back of our van. Suddenly you hear this wretch and J swerves to get off at the next exit. He cut off a couple of cars in the process but we needed to get off the freeway. Then he turns the van around and we head home. It was kind of a bummer since we had to drive near 45 minutes smelling puke. Not a nice ride.

Sunday we got up early and headed down to Richland, WA for the Redline Cup qualifier. It was a gloomy day and seeing that this place is 150 miles away I figured the weather could go either way. I loaded the van with everything I could think of. Then we hit the road. 2 hours later we pull up to the track. It was a really nice track and it has a nice park right there to keep the non-BMX kids buys while the BMX kids race. Only just after the first moto started the rain started. It started as a light sprinkle and slowly increased. It never really poured but it did drizzle long enough to soak everyone and everything around. J to K and A to the van and they stayed there watching movies. I braved the rain to watch R and cheer him on. The track got pretty slick and riders were skidding out and wrecking everywhere.

By the end of the main R walked away with third place. But I'm proud of him for even getting that. The kids he has to race may be the same age as him, but they were twice his size. I know he's small for his age, but WOW these kids seemed HUGE. He has to work twice as hard to not be left behind and these kids are still working their hardest so they can win. So R walking away with 3rd was still a good thing.

Horrible Slump

2006-05-05T11:40:00.000-06:00

I wish I could get out of this slump I've been in. All week long I can't seem to get enough motivation going to do anything. Well that's not true, I have enough motivation to get out of bed and that's about it. My house is starting to look and smell like a dump. I'm afraid the neighbors are going to start complaining soon. All I feel like doing is sitting around and turning my brain off. It's horrible. I'm not used to being like this.

I keep finding all sorts of excuses not to do things. Like this morning, when I woke up, I still had this horrible kink in my neck. It's so bad I can't turn my head to one side. So obviously I can't do anything because I can't move my head and I would have to move my whole body to do stuff like load the dishes into the dishwasher. Or to sort clothes for laundry.

J is going to FREAK when he gets home today and sees how bad I let the kids tear up the place. At least it's Friday and I have tomorrow morning that I can clean. Or maybe tomorrow night. Midday we have a BMX race and Sunday we will be gone all day to a redline cup qualifier.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to get moving?

Ouch

2006-05-04T15:01:00.000-06:00

I don't know what I did but this morning, when I woke up, my body was so sore. I could feel every single muscle in my body aching. I could barely move. I struggled to just roll out of bed.

Finally after a light workout most of my muscles decided they wanted to stop hurting. Now if I could just walk up and down the stairs I think I'd be good. I'm pretty much stuck upstairs because I can barely move my legs.

I've got most of the upstairs clean though, since I can't do much else. It would be easier if I could move my head from side to side though. I have a horrible kink in the left side of my neck and it just won't go away.

Weekends over, time to rest

2006-05-01T12:44:00.000-06:00

What a busy weekend. What happened to weekends being a time to rest?

Saturday R went to his first BMX race here. It was really fun. He LOVES the track and he came in 3rd. He ended up with a really nice trophy. J even got excited about the track, which lead to Sunday's events. Anyway, the rest of Saturday (after spending 5 hours at the track) we went to the store and bought another computer desk for our second computer. By the time we got home I was ready for bed. Oh yeah, and I got really sunburned. I'm still hurting from it.

Sunday, after I got back from grocery shopping, we went to the track again. J wanted to ride so we took both bikes and spent another 3 hours there. This time I didn't get burned but I did freeze my butt off. I still haven't figured out the weather around here. One minute it's beautiful and the next it's freezing or we're having thunder storms.

While we were at the track I got a call from my mom. She's having a really difficult time right now, and I'm sitting here wishing there was something I could do to help her, beside just being an ear for her.

I spent the rest of the evening worrying about her and trying to figure out what I can do for her. I think I have things figured out, but I won't know for sure until later today.

So after spending two days at the track and on the road it's time for me to take a rest. I know today is my major house cleaning day, but I'm just gonna have to reschedule until later this week. I really need some sleep right now. And I need to cool this sunburn down. It's really hurting.

How do you keep to your schedule

2006-04-27T10:38:00.000-06:00

What do you do to keep to your schedule? I've had so many things planned to get me and the kids out of the house and let them burn off some energy. But something is always coming up to prevent us from doing these. I guess now I need to start making some back up plans.

It seems like lately the weather is keeping us indoors. Or one of the kids isn't feeling well. How are we supposed to get out of the house and explore if we can't even get out the door?

I know things will fall into place but from now on I think I'll have a plan B, plan C and plan D, just in case.

I don't know what to do with myself

2006-04-25T13:34:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my major house cleaning day. I accomplished everything I planned to. Today, I planned on taking the two younger kids to the library after lunch. Only now it's lunch time and the kids are sleeping. I happened to notice that it was really quiet in our house so I started walking around looking for the kids. K apparently decided to climb into her bed and get under the covers and fall asleep. A was sitting on the couch and fell asleep there. He's laying on his side as if he just fell over. These are kids who have been outright refusing to take naps for the past forever. Since they don't usually take naps I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do with myself.

Home Sweet Home

2006-04-21T22:15:00.000-06:00

After nearly four weeks of livng in hotels and being on the road we are finally settled into our new home in Washington. The family seems to be adjusting well, that is, except for me. I'm so used to living in a large city and this is far from that. I have one grocery store to choose from, if I don't want to shop at the commissary. And any other type of store is not in town. I have to drive at least 20 minutes to get to a decent store like Fred Meyer. I refuse to go to walmart because it's so busy and the parking lot is insane. What's funny is Walmart is just a couple miles closer than Fred Meyer, but it takes longer to get to. And definitely longer to get out of.

Aside from that things are alright. I've gotten up the nerve to drive off base twice in the two weeks we've been here. J has been doing all the driving which makes for a cranky hubby. The first time I drove off base I got lost. I have no clue how I did it, but the kids weren't too happy about it. What made it so bad was that the entire time I was driving around lost I could see the main road, I just couldn't figure out how to get to it. Thinking back on it, I can laugh, but at the time I just felt like I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

The second time I ventured off base I was driving just outside the gate to return some movies that we rented. I know I'm gonna need to leave the safety of the base again sometime, but I'm hoping that it's not anytime soon.

So that's it for now, I'll start updating more now that we're online and I'm not lost in a sea of boxes anymore.

I Know, I Know

2006-03-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

As much as I would like to get online and blog away every day, things just aren't working out that way lately.

Since Thursday night I've been working on my house as much as possible. So far I've only gotten my shower completely done, but I feel good about it. I've had to scrub that thing several times to get rid of all of the hard water spots, but now it's just like new. Next I'm tackling my bathroom floor. It's nothing but 1 inch x 1 inch tiles and it's NASTY. I'm probably going to be spending the next 3 days or so scrubbing the grout. Then I'll be washing all the marker and crayon off my walls. I'm really gonna miss the kids' artwork.

So if you don't see me online the rest of this week you'll know why.

The Start of a New Chapter

2006-03-09T18:04:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day of work. I almost started crying when I was walking out. I didn't want to leave, I love it there. M told me that I could go home anytime after 3:00, but I stayed until I had all of my work done. It felt so good to know that I wasn't leaving them with a pile of unfinished stuff.

Even though it was really sad leaving, I'm excited about the new adventure I'm about to start. Tomorrow morning I'll start really cleaning my house, beginning with the master bath. I have some serious hard water that I need to get off my glass shower doors. I have it all planned out, I'll be taking on one room a day and taking the whole day to get it to my liking.

Oh yeah and tomorrow I'm not just working on my bathroom, I also have to take my car in for servicing, pick up the dry cleaning and get ready for the annual awards banquet tomorrow evening. It's a semi-formal event so I'll have to take a good 3 hours of primping before being ready to go.

Wonder how much of this I will actually get done. In a perfect world I'll have it all done with time to spare.

It's funny to see

2006-03-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

I've been somewhat catching up with some of my old friends from Salt Lake. It's so funny to see how different our lives are now.

I hadn't seen anyone for nearly 9 years now. In that time I moved away, got married and had three beautiful children.

Most of my old friends are still hanging out at the same dance club we used to, still partying Thursday through Sunday, still single and childless. Most are living with roommates and basically still living like we did oh so long ago.

I just can't get over the difference between all of us now. And back then I remember thinking it was always going to be like that. I guess they did too and they've kept to that mind frame.

It's funny how our choices can change us so dramatically.

I can't keep my mind on work

2006-03-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

This is my last week of work and it's proving to be extremely difficult. I have a TON of work that I need to do, but I can't do it until later. I need to train this girl on my stuff so she can train the new girl when she starts in two weeks.

Right now I SHOULD be getting my check list in order so I know what I'm training on at what moment. But instead I keep thinking about what I need to do at my house to get things ready for our move.

I keep thinking about what needs to be cleaned and when I'm gonna clean what so that our inspection passes the first time.

I've never been in anxious IN MY LIFE!

Bittersweet Day

2006-03-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today is the last day of races for us. Since we still have so much to do before the move we can't take anymore time out to go to the track. I'm rather bummed about it because R loves to race but it's exciting because it means were that much closer to getting out of here.

Going Away Party

2006-03-02T10:02:00.000-07:00

Js shop likes to sorta of throw a going away party for the guys, and their family, that are leaving. It's usually nothing big, just picking a decent restaurant and going out to dinner. The people in the shop are a really tight group so most everyone shows up.

Well I've been asking J to find out when his going away will be so that my mom doesn't plan hers for the same day. So when I got home from work yesterday J let me know about the "party". Apparently the head of the shop doesn't want to take the time to put something together. Like it's so hard to say hey we're all meeting at Hooter's on Saturday.

Anyway, since Mr. Important decided he doesn't want to do this, some of the guys got together and made plans. So they've decided to grill out at someone's house. Unfortuantely this isn't a family friendly event. This is NOT an event that I can take my kids to, nor would I want them around this sort of thing. When ever these guys grill out, it's more of an excuse to get drunk and that's about it.

J wants me to ask my mom to watch the kids so I can go, but I feel bad. First off my mom is watching the kids the weekend before so we can go to an awards banquet. Second this is supposed to be a family thing and now it's not.

I'm pretty bugged about the whole thing. But what can I do?

I need to be in control

2006-03-01T14:06:00.000-07:00

Those of you that know me know that I NEED to be in CONTROL of every little situation that arises. Because of this I have been planning out every little detail of our move that I possible can. Now being that the government is moving us, there's not too much I can do, but you can bet I'm overplanning what I can. I'm planning "Plan C" right now.

Anyway, in my quest to have the easiest move possible I have found a very informative link. If you'd like to check it out: American Moving and Storage Association

Now I'm Getting Nervous

2006-02-28T14:46:00.000-07:00

OMG I'm sitting here getting more freaked by the minute.

This morning I booked our hotel rooms for us to stay in when we move. That alone tells me that things are getting close. Then I was talking to my mom and realized I have a whopping THREE WEEKENDS to get things done before the movers come. That's not much time at all. I still have so much to do. I was really looking forward to using my week off (the week between when I stop working and when the movers arrive) to get things together. Now I'll have to do what I can on the weekends only since I don't know how to say no.

Talk about really feeling a crunch now. I think I'll either have to have J take R to the races from now on or just skip out on them all together. But if I do that then I'll feel really bad for making R pay for my stupidity of never saying no.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to get out of the extra week of work?

Oh yeah did I mention that my childcare stops the week I'm supposed to stop working, and I can't resind on the notice at the daycare center?

I Can't Believe It

2006-02-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

My last day at work is next Thursday. The company still hasn't had any luck in finding a replacement for me. Guess I'm just that good ;)

Anyway, the big boss came to me today asking when exactly my last day is. So I happily told him that it's next week. Then he said how much they're gonna miss me and how they're having such a hard time finding anyone that can do all I do for them. Talk about a warm fuzzy. THEN he proceeds to ask when exactly I'm hitting the road to move. So I tell him that's kind of up in the air, dependant on when we can get the house inspected and approved. So then he comes out and says it. "Do you think you could stay on here just a bit longer? We're having such a hard time finding someone it and if you stay a little longer it would be so much easier on us."

What was I to say? I told him I really wanted the following week off to get my house in order and ready for the movers. But if they really needed me that bad I would stay on another week.

On the plus side, if I do stay on that much longer my finaly paycheck will be a full one. On the downside, I already gave my notice at the child care center so I will need to find a quick back up for a week AND I won't be able to work on my house like I wanted to.

UGH I hate it when I don't know how to say no.

Stress

2006-02-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

Why do certain people feel like it's okay to treat you like crap just because you're moving?

There is a certain person who is upset about our move out of state. So she is starting to treat us like crap and keep pointing out how depressed she is about us leaving.

I'm getting so tried of it and I still have another month before we leave. And it's not like I can't just avoid her from now on, that is totally not an option.

So Much For Today

2006-02-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

R is going to a BMX clinic today that is being put on by Thomas Fernandez. He's a AA Pro in the ABA. He's really excited about it and he's hoping that it'll help him improve his riding.

I was really excited about him going because that would mean that I get to stay home for 3 hours with NO FIGHTING KIDS. I figured I would try to get some housework done in preparation for the big move. Initially I figured that I would tackle Rs room and wash the walls. They are filthy right now from all the times he's kicked them when getting angry.

Well my plans to prep for the move went downhill when I received an email from my sister in law. Apparently they, at the last minute, decided to have a birthday party for their daughter and now we're invited. The catch.... It's this afternoon at Peter Piper Pizza. Yeah like I really want to spend half of my day around a bunch of kids that are on a sugar high and running wild. I don't even give my kids sugar on a regular basis because of the outcome.

So now my day will consist of dropping R off at his clinic, then me rushing home to wash dishes and throw a load of laundry to wash, then rushing off to the mall and finding my neice a birthday present and somewhere in between all of that I have to pick up my dog from the groomer.

Oh yeah and then I have to somehow figure out how to get R to the groundbreaking ceremony for the new BMX track in town which is at 4:00 this afternoon.

Oh joy! I'm already ready for bed.

Difficult Decision

2006-02-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

I just can't decide what to do. I'm seriously debating on having R repeat the 3rd grade next school year. I'm thinking he's missed so much work this year that he's gonna have a real hard time catching up in the new state. It's not that he's missed a lot of days, he's just not doing the work. He doesn't bring his homework home and when he does he rushes through everything so quickly. His teacher is always complaining that he doesn't listen in class, yet when they say start he knows exactly what to do. He's constantly getting into trouble for his behavior.

He's pretty much given up on school and doesn't really work to his full potential. Hell this week he took a spelling test and only got 6 right out of 19. What really upsets me about that is I KNOW he can spell every work on that test. He's just too lazy to do it.

All of his teachers tell me how intelligent he is but he's not putting forth any effort. I'm not sure if his age has anything to do with it since it's never been an issue before. He is one of the youngest kids in his class. His birthday is just days before the start of school. If I did keep him back in 3rd the age wouldn't create an issue.

If you were in this situation what would you do? Any advice/ideas?

For Viewers 18 and Over ONLY

2006-02-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

J bought me a new movie and it arrived in the mail today. It had a HUGE sticker on the front that says "For Viewers 18 and Over ONLY".

I'm so excited, it's my very first hentai!!! I've been dying to get this movie for what feels like forever. Now I have one. Time to sit back, relax and watch me some adult anime. Who knows maybe I'll start a new movie collection.

I can feel myself

2006-02-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

Gaining weight. I haven't gained any weight since I started my diet last year. Now all of a sudden I've stopped eating healthy and exercising. Suddenly my clothes are getting tighter and I am out of breath after climbing the stairs to my office.

I think it's time to get back on track.

I'm not that way

2006-02-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

So I've been talking with my ex-boyfriend via email. He's the one that I needed closure with. Anyway, he sent me this email stating that he didn't realize K was my "girlfriend" way back then. I admit I did go through an experimental stage, however K was NOT my girlfriend. She was a female friend of mine but that is it.

How embarassing that these people I used to hang out all the time thought I had a girlfriend. Now before anyone gets all pissy at me, I'm not saying it's wrong for girls to have girlfriends. I'm all for it, like I said I did experiment with it but it just wasn't for me.

What funny things come out when you're getting it all out in the open finally.

A Bit More Difficult Than I Expected

2006-02-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

Finding a replacement is proving to be a bit harder than I thought. Our office ran the job listing in the paper last week and we've haven't had very many inquiries. I think on reason is because the paper has it listed funny. It took me FOREVER to find it on Monday.

So today and tomorrow are our scheduled interviews. The one interview we could get for today ended up canceling. For tomorrow we only have three interviews and that's it. Those are our choices so far.

We're planning on running the job listing again, only a bit differently this weekend. Maybe we'll get a better response the second time around.

I have exactly three weeks until my last day here. I remember to took a good two weeks before I was hired and another full week for me to be trained. I don't want to leave the place with no one to fill my position. I know it's not totally in my hands, but I still feel bad.

Wish us luck that we find someone good and soon.

I'm Too Young!!!!

2006-02-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd hear me saying these words anymore.

Let me start by saying I don't dye my hair. I used to when I was younger, but I got tired of the upkeep. Plus I didn't like how it dried out my hair.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I went to my bedroom to change clothes. Once I got comfortable I pulled my hair out of the bun I had it in all day. It felt so good to let it loose. After I pulled it down I noticed the most horrifying thing. I had to call J in to verify what I was seeing.

I have my FIRST GREY HAIR!!!! This can't be, I'm too young. I'm only 26 I'm not ready for this.

Needless to say I'm heading out to get my hair colored this evening.

Closure

2006-02-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's such a good feeling to finally get things off your chest. I've been dealing with this horrible guilt for so long, and to now be able to talk about it and work through it.

Will I Ever Learn?

2006-02-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

No I doubt it. I'm pretty sure that'll I'll still keep thinking about him and wondering certain things.

The Effects of Alcohol aka My Drunken Night

2006-02-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I partied so much that I pretty much made myself sick of drinking. So imagine my surprise when after a hard day of working all I could think about was sitting down and relaxing with a nice glass of wine.

J got home around 7 last night and helped me put the kids to bed. Then we cracked open the wine and just sat together, unwinding. It was so nice and it was just what I needed. By the time I was on my second glass I was really starting to feel a buzz. At first I couldn't believe it. I used to be able to drink like it was water. Now I can't even handle two glasses of wine.

I turned to J and told him I feel like doing something stupid. So we retreated to the bedroom. Now I'm not one to go into details, this is afterall a family friendly blog. Let's just say we were up until I passed out, somewhere around 2 am.

This morning I was actually able to sleep in till 10. I couldn't believe it. I haven't slept that late in years. Although I have to admit I am quite sore, all over, from last night. And pretty hung over too. I have a feeling it'll be a LONG time before I ever drink again.

Exhausted

2006-02-09T08:10:00.000-07:00

I feel like I spent the entire night working out, and not in a good way. Actually what happened was I spent most of the night away from an allergy attack. And when I wasn't awake because of me, A was keeping me awake because he is sick.

This should make for an interesting day. Good thing I'm home tending to the sick child. Maybe we'll spend the day sleeping.

Much Better

2006-02-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

I am so much more relaxed this afternoon. I wasn't able to give my notice yesterday as planned, but that's okay everythig worked out fine.

J called me this morning to let me know he set up the date when the movers would be coming to our house. That gave me a better time frame to look at. So I am allowing myself a week off before moving time. After I figured that out I walked into the boss and asked if I could talk to her for a minute. I let her know that we were moving, due to Js work, and I'm really sorry and sad that I have to go. She teared up a bit but was okay with it. I'm giving roughly a months notice so that should give plenty of time to find my replacement and let me train her/him.

What a relief getting all that off my chest. Now I can focus on getting my house in order and not stress about the job.

Shaking in my Shoes

2006-02-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

today is the day that I give my notice. I'm sitting here freaking out right now. I've never given notice before, usually I just walk out because I'm so miserable. Which totally isn't the case here.

Any tips/advice on how to go about it? Is there ever a perfect time to get it done? I have another two hours before the end of the day and I need to do it by then.

MIA

2006-02-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been missing for a bit. I've been spending quite a bit of time at the hospital. My grandmother was admitted last week for what the doctors thought was a stroke. Turned out to be that she was lacking vitamin B12 BAD. Which was causing her neuro pathways to slow down. She's doing much better and is expected to be released later today.

Also, J CAME HOME SATURDAY!!! He is finally completed with his re-training and is officially a Boom Operator. I'm so proud of him, that was a LONG 8 months. Now we're de-cluttering the house and getting ready to move. I can't wait to see GRASS again. LOL

We've been spending all weekend together getting reacquainted and it's been GREAT. I didn't realize just how much I missed him. But now he's home for good. Well that is until he gets deployed, but it should be no longer than 3 months gone. If I can do 8 months away I can easily handle 3 months.

So that's our life for now, things are gonna start getting pretty hectic and crazy here in the next couple of weeks.

I'm out of control

2006-01-31T19:07:00.000-07:00

My emotions are all over the place today. I ended up putting the kids to bed early so that I could have a chance to calm myself down. Normally, if someone were home with me, they could stay up and I would just lock myself in my room. But with me being the only parent in the household right now that wasn't an option

I'm debating on going to the doctor about this. It seems like I get this way every couple of weeks. However with us moving in about a month, I'm wondering if it would be worth it to start now or wait until after the move. J should be home by this weekend and he won't be leaving again until 3-4 months after we're settled in our new home. So I'll have help and support from him.

What do you think? What would you do in this situation?

WHAT WAS I THINKING???

2006-01-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

The ladies on my Milspouse board have been talking about MySpace for a while. Then the ladies on one of my mommies board started talking about it. Suddenly the morning show on my favorite radio station started talking about it. So I finally broke down and checked it out.

IDIOT me, started searching for people from my past. (That makes it sound so mysterious LOL) Next thing I know I'm looking up an old boyfriend. Am I that bored? Honestly what in my little brain would make me think to do that? Who knows. But the bad news is, I found him. Not only did I find him, I went one step further and sent him a message. As soon as I hit send I wanted to bad to take back what I had done. It reminds me of drunken phone calls in the middle of the night. Only I wasn't drinking and it was 8:30 in the MORNING.

This was the first guy I ever really cared about. He played a rather large part in the person that I have become. But this was 9 years ago. What the HELL was I doing sending him a message? I can just imagine what J is going to say as soon as he hears about this.

I AM AN IDIOT!!!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING???? OBVIOUSLY I chose to let my old feelings take the drivers seat at that moment. SOMEBODY SHOOT ME.... PLEASE!!!!

I am NOT normal

2006-01-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

I do NOT like shopping. I would even go so far to say I absolutely HATE it.

I had to go shopping today for some new jeans. First off, I'm so freaking short that even petites are too long. And my hips are so wide (from all my child bearing) that the waist has to be huge to get past them. Which in turn makes the waist too big for me.

I searched the mall for three hours. Going into every store that didn't threaten to dress me like a 13 yr old. I finally settled on two pairs of jeans. The waist is a bit big on me but I think I can get away with wearing a belt. Then it came time to find some decent shirts to wear with them that would still be appropriate for work. I found three.

All this time my kids are going NUTS. They just keep getting worse and worse from store to store. This added to the stress which caused me to really start not liking shopping. I honestly can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed shopping.

I think I'm done for a while. I think from now on, I'll just shop online.

I'm so excited

2006-01-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

Jay texted me this morning to let me know that if his flight goes well tomorrow he could be coming home as early as NEXT WEEK!!!!! You read that right!

I'm so excited, I'm ready to have him home. As I write that I sit here laughing to myself. Just less than a month ago, when he was home for a short Christmas break, I couldn't wait until he left. I guess this is a bit different though, cause now that he comes back it'll be for good. No more leaving for training. Now the only time he'll leave is if he has to go to Iraq, or short 2-3 day stays for work. I think I can handle that a LOT easier than this 100+ day stuff.

Anyway, this is a concrete thing yet. It all depends on tomorrow. I'll keep everyone updated.