This is going to be a LONG post. I'm just trying to get my head around everything. I'm not looking for comments, but I won't stop you if you feel the need to say something.

As many people know, J and I moved mom out here a couple months ago. We had several reasons. One big thing was that she had been laid off from her job and hadn't been able to find work. She was about to lose her apartment and had to file bankruptcy on all of her bills. She was extremely depressed and I was worried about her being on her own. She couldn't afford to buy food most of the time so she was at the mercy of our family to feed her. But I later found out she was too proud to let them know how bad off she really was. Apparently I'm the only person she feels she can confide in completely. For the most part I don't mind it. I'm glad that I can be an ear for her. Unfortunately I think it's more than I can handle anymore.

Since arriving here, my mom hasn't been able to find a job. She was looking a TON for the first month. Then suddenly she just stopped looking. She was feeling down about the fact that she hadn't been hired yet. Because she still isn't working she lost her car. So now she says she is "stuck in this house". I keep telling her to keep looking for a job and we'll find a way to get her there. It's not like we don't have two cars and it's not like there isn't a decent bus system here. But she still won't look.

Another thing that has happened since she arrived is that she has gotten extremely sick. She has severe asthma and allergies. Oh and she is allergic to our dog. A little over a month ago I had to take her to the ER because she was having such a bad attack. I'm paying all of her medical bills, taken her to the doctor several times and am buying all of her medication. I really don't mind doing this for her.

Then a couple of weeks ago she said that come spring time she wanted to have a yard sale and get rid of EVERYTHING she owns. She then said she would use that money and buy a cheap car and drive back to New Mexico. She didn't say much about it and I didn't really know what to say. So we left it at that. Things have been decent around here. She seems so happy when J is gone. But when he comes home she gets upset and sick again. She isolates herself in the basement. Refusing to come upstairs except to get something to eat and use the restroom.

Today she told me she was planning on just advertising her stuff for sale now and she would just sell it for cheap so she can get rid of it. What ever money she gets she wants to buy a bus ticket and get back to New Mexico. So I told her, I hate seeing her so sick and miserable and that if it would benefit her we would pay to send her back to New Mexico. I also told her not to sell her stuff but that she can leave it here and when she gets back on her feet we can take it down there. We could also use it as an excuse to have a vacation. After offering to send her back she broke down crying. She starts saying how she hates God because he "obviously doesn't care". That he has not shown her compassion or love. She just kept ranting. Saying how she wishes she were never born and that her "whore of a mother should have had an abortion or miscarriage". It was a rough afternoon. Then she proceeded to tell me how every night she hopes she will die in her sleep. But when she wakes up she is so disappointed. She continues to tell me that when she does die I'm not allowed to be sad but I need to be happy because she won't be so miserable anymore. I asked if there were anything I could do to help her or if we, as a family, to help make her more comfortable/content here. She told me to go the the store and buy her some arsenic.

I walked out of the room crying. I don't know how to handle all of this. I know it's too much to ask of me. I can't be both a daughter and a friend, right? I can't stop being sad and crying when I just sit down. I'm so sorry I brought her out here. I feel like if she had stayed in New Mexico she would have been forced to do something and maybe she would have been better off. But it's too late now. I've ruined her life twice now. UGH