Let me think. I would wish that Randee could have it. That he could have my wish and it would actually come true. I feel like he's been left out so much since Kelsey was first diagnosed. We do all we can to include him in everything but it's just not the same. It's not HIS it's Kelsey's and he's along for the ride. I wish there were an organization out there that specialized in the siblings of the sick kid. Kelsey had her wish trip and it was awesome. But honestly, Randee isn't into princesses. He's not into ridding all the kiddie rides because his little sister is too small or too scared to ride the "fun" rides. I wish there were some way to ask Randee, if you could have one wish/any wish, what would it be? And I wish there were some way to make that wish come true.

I'm really struggling lately. I honestly thought I was ready to go back to work when I did. I figured Kelsey is doing good and I need to get away from the world of brain tumors. I needed adult interaction. We didn't really need the money but the extra is nice. Looking back at my initial reasons for going back to work I realize I was being selfish. Jason has a tough job. He's home one day and gone the next. Sometimes he's gone for a couple of weeks at a time. That makes it tough on me when it comes to doctor appointments. In December, Jason was in Alaska for three weeks. In that time we thought Kelsey was having seizures. She spent most of the week in and out of the hospital. This completely drained my PTO bank at work and I ended up having to take some leave without pay. I don't mind the lack of pay, that's not an issue. We do have a policy at work though that states you can't take leave without pay. If you do you will get written up and if it happens again you will be dismissed. My boss was extremely understanding and fought for an exception to this rule for me. The exception was granted. Last month Jason was in Texas and I had to take four hours off from work to take Kelsey to her monthly doctor appointment. I was to be back to work immediately after this appointment. Unfortunately, life had something else in store for me. That morning Randee woke up having a severe asthma attack. I called his pediatrician and they told me to take him to the emergency room since I was going to be at the hospital anyway. Randee was struggeling to walk from the house to the car because he couldn't breath. We spent 5 hours in the emergency room before we were discharged. From there we headed to Kelsey's appointment which I had to call and postpone until after Randee was taken care of. By the time Kelsey's appointment was done Randee was having trouble breathing again. So back to the emergency we head. Needless to say I didn't make it into work that day. I didn't have more than 4 hours of leave so I had to take the remaining without pay again. This time there was no exception granted for me. Last week I finally got the paperwork on my write up. As of today I have ten hours of leave saved up, for emergencies obviously. This afternoon I got really sick and couldn't work. I had to take four of those hours off and come home early. That leaves me six hours of leave. I have four hours scheduled to take off soon because I'm taking Jason to the airport (he's deploying again). My grandmother is on her deathbed. The doctor's give her just a couple more weeks to live. I can't got see her before she dies. I don't have the time to take off work. So I'm sitting home, 1400 miles away, waiting for the phone to ring and give me an update. Did I make the right decision going back to work? There are so many things I can't take care of now. What do I do? How do I handle working and being there for my family? My friend is trying to talk me into giving up my job. I feel bad even considering it. They are counting on me. They've invested so much into me. They were willing to take me back once I felt I was ready. How could I do that to them? But how much longer will I be working there at this rate? How much longer will I go without having some sort of crisis and end up having to take leave without pay again?