Man I'm really missing J right now. He called me last night and said he's pretty much stuck where he's at. And now instead of coming home Monday we don't know when he'll be home. Guess I should be used to it by now, but it's still hard.

The snow just now stopped and I was outside shoveling the driveway. This is the first time in my life I've ever shoveled snow. I'm so proud of myself that I did it, but not in this cold with a hurt back. If J were here it probably wouldn't be done yet but at least I know it would be on his list of things to do.

Wednesday morning, 3:27 am, the phone rings. Waking from my deep sleep I realize the phone isn't in my room. In a hurry to answer it so the ringing wouldn't wake anyone and HOPING it would be J I jump out of bed and run to the living to answer it. Unfortunately it wasn't J. It was actually some prank call for my mom. I yelled at the caller asking "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?!?!?!?!" He retorts "I sorry. I call back" and hangs up. I walk back to bed, pissed off about the call. When I try to go back to sleep I realize I can't. My back is kinda hurting. As my official wake up time gets closer I realize I not just kinda hurting, I'm hurting pretty bad. I get up for the day and get ready for work. My back was still aching so I grabbed some breakfast and some motrin and went to work. After being at work for an hour my back was slowly getting worse. So I figured it was time to call my doc and try to get in. The soonest I could get in was today (Thursday) at 9:00. So I take the appointment and the nurse tells me "if you start getting worse call us back and you can talk to the nurse." So I head back to my desk. Less than a half hour later I find that I can't concentrate any more. My back is hurting SO BAD it's all I can think about. I end up calling the doc back. After speaking the the nurse he tells me to head to the ER to make sure I didn't do something stoopid. Oh and I have to have someone drive me in case they give me something to make me loopy.

I head home right away and pick up my mom. We head over to the ER and check in. While we're sitting in the lobby waiting to be called back the nurse walks two patients out. One was an older man who apparently didn't want to leave. After the nurse walked away the man started moaning and almost crying. Then we walks over to where mom and I are sitting. He stands in the corner, right next to mom, and picks up a chair. Next thing I know he's throwing chairs around the room and mom and I are trapped. We jump up as quickly as we can and hurry as far away from him. Once he's escorted out of the hospital we sit back down. I was feeling alright because I'd been resting so much but that quick movement irritated my back more. Good thing we got called back almost immediately after that incident.

The doc doesn't really diagnose me but gives me several medications to ease the pain until I get into my doc in the morning. Two shots and three prescriptions later I'm on my way home to pass out.

This morning I head straight to the doctor and she says my back is pretty twisted up. I didn't do anything too bad but it's really messed up muscle wise. She gives me a couple of exercise to stretch out the muscles and sends me on my way. Telling me to keep up on all of the meds I received yesterday. So I went out and headed to work.

I had a pretty decent day until about 3:00 this afternoon when I could no longer handle sitting. I tried to work standing up but my desk just wasn't made for that. I took a break every couple of minutes and had to take a walk to stretch. Talk about the longest stretch of afternoon in history.

After work I went to pick up the kids, hoping they would be happy to see me and want to go home. A asked if I could pick him up and carry him yet. When I told him no he got so excited. My bad. That boy ended up running all over the daycare and rolling all over the floor looking at me and laughing. I was so furious at him I seriously wanted to sit down and cry. I couldn't wait to get home and collapse.

Obviously I'm home now, but by the time I got here I was in so much pain I was sick to my stomach. I can't take the pain killers during the day because they knock me out. So I've had to tough it out until now. And now I'm in happy land which would explain all the typo's, and nonsense.

As many people know, I was a pretty wild teenager. That "wildness" led to me getting pregnant at a pretty young age, 17 to be exact. I was a single mom until just after R turned 3. From the day I met J he has taken R in as his own. He treats him like his own flesh and blood. But now R is starting to really ask about his bio-dad. I'm answering all of his questions honestly. I'm not talking bad about bio in any way. Suddenly, last night, R asks if he can meet bio. I knew this day would come, but I didn't think it would come so soon. Bio ran away when he found out R was his son. He asked for a paternity test because I didn't put him down on the birth certificate. Actually I left it blank. When I agreed to the test is when he fell off the face of the earth. I know where he is living, no I'm no stalking him. I just don't know what to do. How do I tell J that R wants to meet bio? I don't want J to be upset. I know he wouldn't keep R from bio. But I'm sure his feelings will be a bit hurt. And how to I contact bio after all these years? He still hasn't even acknowledged that R is his son.

Anyone have any ideas/advice? I'm open to suggestions here.

Do you ever get that feeling that something just isn't right? No J is not cheating on me. He recently left on a trip and I just have a funny feeling about it. I can't decide how to deal with it. Do I tell him? Do I keep it to myself? What can I do to stop thinking about? The dread just won't go away.